Physically ill

I stayed home from work today. I’m a mess. I can’t concentrate on anything. My stomach is knots. I’m nauseas, my stomach is killing me, I can’t stop crying.

My appointment is in 2 hours. My heart is telling me it’s over. I can’t wrap my head around this at all. How can this possibly be happening?



My first OB appt was scheduled for 8w4d but I’ve been so nervous about it, I called and asked if we could move it up. They moved it up to 7w6d. Today.

We did the usual huge questionnaire I’m sure every one gets, a pap, and then she had pity on my nervousness and sent me for an ultrasound.

They did the external one, and she said “I see a flicker, mama!” Yes!!

She switched to internal and immediately I could see some growth. She expanded the screen to show the baby only. I couldn’t see the heartbeat. I looked at her face, which looked concerned. She started measuring other things, my ovaries, uterus etc, then went back to the baby. I still couldn’t see the heartbeat. At all. My heart started racing.

She turned the doppler on and I heard the swishing, I sighed a sigh of relief, then she typed MATERNAL onto the screen. It was my heartbeat. She finished and said “I’m sorry but I’m not detecting a heartbeat. What I saw externally, I think was your heart beat.”

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Through a mess of tears, sobs and “I’m sorrys” from the ultrasound tech, I was ushered to a room to wait to talk to my Dr. She came in. She took my pulse at 100, the pulse on the doppler was 118. So she can’t say for sure, 100% the baby has no heartbeat.

I was ready to book it to the nearest gallon of margaritas, and then she scheduled me for a repeat ultrasound tomorrow. So there’s a sliver of hope that there will be good news tomorrow. A sliver.


I’m having anxiety about this pregnancy. Ugh! I wish I could just relax! My nausea comes and goes. Every time it goes, I get so worried that something is wrong. Everything I read says your boobs hurt and are really sensitive. Well that seems to come and go too.

I know the risk of miscarriage decreases after a good heartbeat is detected. I know there’s nothing I can do, but the waiting is killing me. Google is the damn devil! I’ve been so good about not googling, until recently….

Why? Why? Why? Why do I need to google something??? At this point, everything looks as great as it can! 11 more days until my OB appointment. I’m still praying they end up doing an ultrasound that day.

Keep growing, little one!!! I love you, I love you, I love you!


My Dr called this morning. All my bloodwork for blood clotting and auto immune came back within normal limits! YAY!!!

Im so relieved to know that! I’m trying to relax and trust that everything is going well in there. Why is that so hard?

Keep growing big, little one! We LOVE you!!!


I’m feeling more nauseas today, and it’s not really letting up. I keep thinking I’m going to throw up, but it hasn’t happened yet.

We decided this is the farthest we’ve ever gotten in a pregnancy, and we should celebrate our successes. Last time we measured behind and the heart rate was slow. This time everything is on track and the heart rate was perfect! So we decided to tell close family.

We broke the news to my sister and her husband via FaceTime. It was so perfect!! They were shocked and thrilled and it’s pretty AMAZING that our due dates are only 3 weeks apart.

We told his parents next and they were just as shocked and surprised and excited. The joy that we’ve seen on our families’ faces is so wonderful and it’s unbelievable to have such great support.

My mom was last and it was pretty cool to see her get so excited and realize she’s going to get 2 grandchildren in the same month.

My first OB appointment is 4/22. I’ll be 8w4d. Apparently they’re not doing an ultrasound that day but I’m going to push for it. A part of me is relieved that my Dr is so confident to not repeat an u/s at my next appointment, but I’m still nervous and want to make sure everything is going well.

Keep growing, little one!!! We love you more than you’ll ever know!!!


And we’ve got a heartbeat!

The ultrasound tech from last week (Melody) wanted to be the one to see me this week too. We’ve seen her with previous pregnancies and she’s never given us good news. After measuring great and seeing the yolk sac last week she said she “had a good feeling this time” and wanted to give us good news this time around. So we got on her schedule.

I went to the appointment to find out I had been switched to someone else. I had a mini panic attack thinking it would mean I would get horrible news. Melody came into the waiting room and told me they had switched the schedule but if I wanted to wait 15 minutes she’d put me back on hers. I felt silly for being superstitious about it, but I said yes! I wanted her to do it.

I laid on the table, in went the wand, and immediately I could see the sac was larger. Sigh of relief. I only wanted to see some growth. I wasn’t concerned with the heartbeat because I know at 6w it’s not always there just yet. She immediately screeched “we’ve got a heartbeat!” YAY!!!!!

Tears immediately filled my face. She put it right on the heartbeat so we could get a good look. And there it was. Our baby. It was breathtaking. The heart was beating 112 bpm, which is perfect! I’ve never had so many happy tears in all my life. Obviously we don’t know what the future holds, but at this point everything is as perfect as it can be! Thank you, God! Thank you for this miracle! I don’t and never will take it for granted.

She stayed on the heartbeat for a long time and then she turned the Doppler on and we heard it! It took my breath away. I cried and cried and cried. I was a total mess.

As she switched the Doppler off and we were looking at the beautiful heart, I noticed our wedding song was playing on the radio. It’s Lifehouse’s You and Me. It was truly amazing and really made it feel like this is our time.

I’m still waiting for the results of my lab work, and they’re supposed to call me to schedule my first OB appointment within the next 2 weeks.

This is actually happening!

Little baby, I LOVE YOU! Please grow big and strong and PLEASE come out of my dreams and into my arms!




Months back when I first had the miscarriage, my Dr talked to me about getting tested for an autoimmune disease and a blood clotting disorder. Since I have an extensive loss history, she thought it was warranted. I decided to wait until the first of the year when I had better insurance coverage.

Well then this pregnancy crept up on me before I could get the tests done.

Anyway, long story short, I had the tests done today. It was 13 VIALS of blood! Holy crap!!

I should have results within the week.

Next ultrasound is Thursday at 6w0d.