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Archive for the ‘miscarriage’ Category

“What’s meant to be will always find its way.” For years I read this quote with hope and belief and faith. I knew that my baby was meant to be and it would eventually find its way to me. What I NEVER thought or imagined, is that maybe, just maybe, me being child free was meant to be. The problem with that quote is that we take it to mean what we’re trying for will eventually happen. The dilemma is that we don’t know what the “meant to be” actually means, we just assume that our dream is meant to be. And unfortunately that’s not always the case.

After many discussions and tear filled conversations, we’ve decided to stop trying. Since I’m a bad infertile and somehow get pregnant without medical intervention, I’ll be going on BCPs. I can’t believe I’m doing that.

I can’t go through another loss. And the only way to prevent that, is to prevent pregnancy. After 6 years of hoping that my day would eventually come, we’re letting it go.

I feel like the last 6 years have been on hold, like I’ve been running on the same treadmill at the same speed. And it’s time to get off, shower and rest. We’ve had heartache after heartache, and are still recovering from the financial and emotional toll it’s had on us.

We have so many things to look forward to in this life, and we’re ready to focus on things we have control over.

I wish it was a switch I could simply turn off, but as you most know, it doesn’t work like that. Am I sad? Of course! Do I wish our story had an alternate ending? Absolutely! But I know I deserve being happy and enjoying life, and lately I haven’t been able to. I’ve been bitter. I’ve been walking through life angry at the cards I’ve been dealt, pissed at my body for betraying me, and confused as to why “everyone” else is a mom, but me.

I’ve wondered what my identity was, I’ve felt lost and broken. I’ve had fun moments, that became lost when I saw someone else’s joy, or heard another’s story of child birth or pregnancy announcement. It reinforced that fact that I was missing out.

It’s time to find a new identity and create a life I enjoy, rather than focusing on the envy I have for everyone around me.

I still feel lost and confused. I still feel isolated when I’m surround by mothers. I still wish things had been different.

But I know in my heart I’m making the right decision.

I’m a woman, whether I’m barren or not. I’m a mom to the cutest dogs in the world, I’m a good friend, I’m a good wife, and I’m the world’s greatest aunt. The children may not be “mine” but my nieces and nephews are better off with me in their life.

One day I will find peace. I’m walking a path very few people travel, and I like to think that I was chosen for it, because I’m strong enough. And I gloat a little to myself that I’m stronger than everyone else I know 🙂

So at 6 years, 4 months we are closing the door.

I’m relieved and sad at the same time. Relieved to leave the room where all the heartache is, but sad to also leave the room that holds the dream I couldn’t reach.

I’m eager, hopeful and optimistic that there’s something great behind the next door we open.

A huge thank you to all my readers who have encouraged me, supported me, and prayed for me on this journey. The greatest gift I’ve ever been given is the lifelong friends I’ve made as a result of infertility. The friendships and love that I’ve found have come from the strongest, kindest souls I’ve ever met. And I will never forget that. I love you all!

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It’s done

The d&c was yesterday. I think it was the finality of it that me all jacked up yesterday. I cried in the shower, cried in the car ride to the hospital, cried in the pre-registration, you get the picture.

They took me back. The nurse remembered me and also remembered that I’d been there “not too long ago.” And I cried again. I got the IV put in and Eric came back. Of course I was crying again. The anesthesiologist came in and asked a bunch of questions followed up with “is this your first pregnancy?” “No. It’s my 6th loss.” Fuck I was a mess. He asked if I wanted a sedative to relax me. Duh! So I got some Versed and I was high a kite. It’s a good thing because right after that he said my Dr was finishing up a c-section and then coming down for me. Oh FML! She delivered a baby and then emptied my uterus. What a joyful morning for her.

When she came in, she said she’d been thinking about me a lot and wanted to make sure I was emotionally ok. Well judging by my instant tears, she realized I wasn’t holding together too well. She said she’d have her nurse call me with a recommendation for a counselor she really likes, because it looks like it would be good for me.

After that I went in to the OR, then woke up easy peasy.

My Dr talked to Eric and gave him strict orders to take me on vacation and show me a great time! Did I mention I love my Dr?

So I came home, I was a roller coaster of emotions and slept and cried all day. It didn’t help that CVS was late filling my prescription, and my pain meds got off to a late start. But this morning, at least physically, I feel better.

In 9 days Eric and I are headed to NYC for a long vacation, and as cliche as it sounds, it is what the Dr ordered.

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D&C

It’s scheduled for tomorrow. I saw my Dr this morning. Nothing is happening still. I decided to schedule it, get it over with, and move on.

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Decisions

I’m currently waiting to miscarry naturally. I have a follow up appointment with my Dr on Monday, when we’ll decide the next step. So far, nothing is happening. Nothing.

This loss is hitting me really hard. For years I’ve wondered if I would ever have a baby, if I would ever be a mom. I feel like I just got my answer.

Sure people miscarry all the time. However after 2 consecutive miscarriages, further testing/fertility treatments are usually in order. I’ve already had the full auto immune and blood clotting panel run, all of which was normal.

From what I’ve read, IVF with PGD is usually the preferred the step, along with full genetic testing. There is no guarantee, after all this that I won’t miscarry again. And honestly at this point, it feels inevitable.

Right now, my FET is off the table. If I’m getting pregnant on my own with seemingly “normal” pregnancies that aren’t lasting, I see no point in shelling out $5000 to miscarry again. We talked about surrogacy, however if we’re dealing with a genetic issue, those embryos likely won’t make it either.

So PGD on our current frosties would be the way to go, but now we’re talking about doubling our cycle cost.

I wish money wasn’t a factor, but in the last 3 years we’ve spent over $25,000 and have nothing but a broken heart to show for it.

I’m not sure I have it in me for another loss, for more testing, for more heartache.

And that’s why this loss hurts more than all the others. Because its here, at the 6th loss, that I now know its not going to happen. It’s been a question for years. It’s been a very hopeful journey, where I anticipated the next step and eagerly waited for “my time”.

It breaks my heart to walk away from trying to conceive, but in my heart I know it’s time.

Accepting the end of this road, as abrupt as it came, is a hard fucking pill to swallow. But it’s time.

We have decided to speak to an agency about adoption. There’s nothing wrong with a conversation, and I know we have a lot to learn. Who knows if that path will be the right one for us. Maybe it won’t be, but the path we’ve been on isn’t the right one either.

So this loss is more painful than all the others. Maybe to some people “miscarriage” is a common occurrence and just a word, but to me, that baby was real. It’s heart was real, it had a future, and I “knew” I would be a mom to that tiny perfect being. And that’s all gone. Along with that, my dream of giving birth, holding my baby, bringing my baby into our home, has died.

And somehow, I need to move on.

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No heartbeat

I don’t know what else to say.

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D&C was yesterday

I ended up having an incomplete miscarriage. Monday night I passed a sac. It was awful. Tuesday I saw my Dr and the incomplete m/c was diagnosed. So the d&c was scheduled. It was pretty easy. I’m a little sore. I’m a lot heartbroken. I’m a mess. I’m trying to figure out which direction to go. Every thought becomes tears.

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I realize I haven’t blogged in forever. We were not in the midst of cycling and I never felt like I had anything substantial to say.

At the end of the day infertility still sucks, it still hurts, I’m still struggling, and things are still hard. Sometimes it’s tedious and boring to write the same emotions day in and day out.

So I took a break.

August 9, CD1, I decided to give up gluten. There’s a long story behind it but basically I found out 90% of my cousins on one side have all tested positive for both genetic markers for Celiac disease/gluten intolerance. So I thought I’d see if I felt any different.

I did. I felt great! Along with that I became very diligent with taking my omega fish oils, a strong antioxidant called pycnogenol (supposed to help with endo) and taking vitamin D.

I ovulated 15 days later and on September 6, the one year anniversary of my Dad’s death, I got a BFP.

Maybe all those changes helped, maybe not.

I had some betas, which were all perfect!

14dpo = 79
17dpo = 364
19dpo = 984
22dpo = 2112

Ultrasound at 22dpo shows empty uterus. Obviously there’s a huge ectopic concern, but they know they scanned me very early.

25dpo = 5189

Repeat ultrasound. We see a sac!

Next ultrasound at 6w5d shows 2 gestational sacs!! One of which has a heartbeat! THE most beautiful thing I’ve EVER seen! That moment will stay with me forever. Words will never be able to express how amazingly beautiful that was! Seeing that flicker on the screen while tears poured my face, made every heartache worth it.

The 2nd sac has a yolk sac only but no fetal pole.

We do another ultrasound one week later, on October 4th, and our beautiful beating heart had stopped. The 2nd sac now had a fetal pole but no heartbeat was detected.

I will never be able to explain how crushing that moment was. To have that baby be so real and so alive and have a heartbeat just a week before, then ripped out of our grasp, was the most unfair thing I’ve been dealt.

Those tears of joy from a week before came back so much stronger that day and with such a deep ache, it was deafening.

My husband and I hugged and bawled in that room as long as we needed, and as it turned out, we needed much more than a few minutes in a Dr office.

We have since met with my Dr and are in the middle of deciding our next step. They are recommending a d&c, which is the safer route, but I can choose to miscarry naturally also. I don’t know exactly what I want.

I have had no bleeding or cramping whatsoever, and at this point, the waiting is getting annoying.

I will more than likely decide to do the d&c just to get it over with.

In the meantime I’m so up and down. I’m fine one day, and the next I can barely compose myself. One day I’m hopeful for us and our future, and in the next instant, I’m convinced motherhood is not meant for me.

I can’t believe how incredibly fucked up this journey has been. What the fuck did I do to deserve this much heartache?

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