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Archive for April, 2013

D&C

It’s scheduled for tomorrow. I saw my Dr this morning. Nothing is happening still. I decided to schedule it, get it over with, and move on.

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I posted on FB something every day this week. I ended the week with my own post. This is it.

Infertility is a disease that is very close to my heart. Eric and I have struggled for over six years with infertility. For many years I remained silent and suffered alone. It took me a long time to realize that there is support out there, and even though people may not understand what I’m going through, they are there to offer a shoulder to cry on.

Often the strongest looking people and the happiest people are the ones who are suffering the most. Infertility has made me doubt every decision I’ve made along the way, made me question my faith, made me feel like I am alone in a world full of parents, brought many tears to my eyes, and forced me to ponder my purpose in life. You may be happy that this week has ended and you don’t need to see my infertility advocacy posts any longer, but for me, my struggle continues.

Infertility is about discovering who you are when you are lost and broken. It’s about finding a new meaning and appreciation in the simplest parts of life. It’s about letting go of the life you’ve imagined, dreamt, and sought, and accepting the things you have.

It is the road less travelled, and I pray no one I love ever travels it. And if you must, know that there is a world full of people who don’t know what it feels like, but surely will reach out and hold your hand, so you don’t travel it alone.

I pray that everyone struggling with the heavy weight of infertility finds peace in their journey, and may we be the parents we were meant to be in Heaven.

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Decisions

I’m currently waiting to miscarry naturally. I have a follow up appointment with my Dr on Monday, when we’ll decide the next step. So far, nothing is happening. Nothing.

This loss is hitting me really hard. For years I’ve wondered if I would ever have a baby, if I would ever be a mom. I feel like I just got my answer.

Sure people miscarry all the time. However after 2 consecutive miscarriages, further testing/fertility treatments are usually in order. I’ve already had the full auto immune and blood clotting panel run, all of which was normal.

From what I’ve read, IVF with PGD is usually the preferred the step, along with full genetic testing. There is no guarantee, after all this that I won’t miscarry again. And honestly at this point, it feels inevitable.

Right now, my FET is off the table. If I’m getting pregnant on my own with seemingly “normal” pregnancies that aren’t lasting, I see no point in shelling out $5000 to miscarry again. We talked about surrogacy, however if we’re dealing with a genetic issue, those embryos likely won’t make it either.

So PGD on our current frosties would be the way to go, but now we’re talking about doubling our cycle cost.

I wish money wasn’t a factor, but in the last 3 years we’ve spent over $25,000 and have nothing but a broken heart to show for it.

I’m not sure I have it in me for another loss, for more testing, for more heartache.

And that’s why this loss hurts more than all the others. Because its here, at the 6th loss, that I now know its not going to happen. It’s been a question for years. It’s been a very hopeful journey, where I anticipated the next step and eagerly waited for “my time”.

It breaks my heart to walk away from trying to conceive, but in my heart I know it’s time.

Accepting the end of this road, as abrupt as it came, is a hard fucking pill to swallow. But it’s time.

We have decided to speak to an agency about adoption. There’s nothing wrong with a conversation, and I know we have a lot to learn. Who knows if that path will be the right one for us. Maybe it won’t be, but the path we’ve been on isn’t the right one either.

So this loss is more painful than all the others. Maybe to some people “miscarriage” is a common occurrence and just a word, but to me, that baby was real. It’s heart was real, it had a future, and I “knew” I would be a mom to that tiny perfect being. And that’s all gone. Along with that, my dream of giving birth, holding my baby, bringing my baby into our home, has died.

And somehow, I need to move on.

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No heartbeat

I don’t know what else to say.

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Physically ill

I stayed home from work today. I’m a mess. I can’t concentrate on anything. My stomach is knots. I’m nauseas, my stomach is killing me, I can’t stop crying.

My appointment is in 2 hours. My heart is telling me it’s over. I can’t wrap my head around this at all. How can this possibly be happening?

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7w6d

My first OB appt was scheduled for 8w4d but I’ve been so nervous about it, I called and asked if we could move it up. They moved it up to 7w6d. Today.

We did the usual huge questionnaire I’m sure every one gets, a pap, and then she had pity on my nervousness and sent me for an ultrasound.

They did the external one, and she said “I see a flicker, mama!” Yes!!

She switched to internal and immediately I could see some growth. She expanded the screen to show the baby only. I couldn’t see the heartbeat. I looked at her face, which looked concerned. She started measuring other things, my ovaries, uterus etc, then went back to the baby. I still couldn’t see the heartbeat. At all. My heart started racing.

She turned the doppler on and I heard the swishing, I sighed a sigh of relief, then she typed MATERNAL onto the screen. It was my heartbeat. She finished and said “I’m sorry but I’m not detecting a heartbeat. What I saw externally, I think was your heart beat.”

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Through a mess of tears, sobs and “I’m sorrys” from the ultrasound tech, I was ushered to a room to wait to talk to my Dr. She came in. She took my pulse at 100, the pulse on the doppler was 118. So she can’t say for sure, 100% the baby has no heartbeat.

I was ready to book it to the nearest gallon of margaritas, and then she scheduled me for a repeat ultrasound tomorrow. So there’s a sliver of hope that there will be good news tomorrow. A sliver.

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7w0d

I’m having anxiety about this pregnancy. Ugh! I wish I could just relax! My nausea comes and goes. Every time it goes, I get so worried that something is wrong. Everything I read says your boobs hurt and are really sensitive. Well that seems to come and go too.

I know the risk of miscarriage decreases after a good heartbeat is detected. I know there’s nothing I can do, but the waiting is killing me. Google is the damn devil! I’ve been so good about not googling, until recently….

Why? Why? Why? Why do I need to google something??? At this point, everything looks as great as it can! 11 more days until my OB appointment. I’m still praying they end up doing an ultrasound that day.

Keep growing, little one!!! I love you, I love you, I love you!

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