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Archive for March, 2013

5w2d

I’m starting to get nauseas off and on. As warped as it sounds, I’m hoping I puke soon. Puking=normal pregnancy in my mind. So I’m hoping I get sick just once.

I’m trying to not google anything, and trying not to over analyze every symptom that comes and goes.

All I can do is wait and pray that everything is on course in there.

It’s harder than it sounds.

And just for fun, and because its so pretty, I POAS again today.

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5w0d

Had an ultrasound today! It’s in my uterus! Not ectopic! Phew!!!

We saw a gestational sac measuring 5w4d and we saw the yolk sac.

We go back in one week at 6w0d for a follow up ultrasound. They stressed and stressed and stressed to me that it still may be too early next week to see a heartbeat and to not freak out if we didn’t. We’re just hoping to see some growth and possibly a fetal pole.

Please grow little baby! I hope and pray that you’re our take home baby!

Here’s our little one

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I have been very controlled this time around NOT peeing on a million sticks.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to explain correctly how I’m feeling or the lack of my pee on a stick obsession.

In the past, I felt SO DESPERATE for the pregnancy to stick. It seemed like as long as I kept peeing and kept seeing that line and the line got darker, then it meant it was real.

This time around, I’ve realized that no stick and no amount of obsession, and no action I do will change anything.

If its going to stick and be my take-home baby, then it will. Peeing on a stick, googling betas, researching ultrasound pics etc will not change the outcome.

So all I can do is nothing.

So I just pray, and I hope, and I pray some more that my baby is on it’s way.

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19dpo

4w5d.

Beta is 1948.

First ultrasound is Thursday, March 28.

Please let this be it.

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18dpo

4w4d

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I guess it’s time to call for a beta.

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Please be our take home baby.

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I cried

My sister called me, crying, scared, afraid to tell me that she’s pregnant. She was worried that a phone call would hurt me. She was guilty and thought she should email me. My own sister, affected by MY infertility, felt that an impersonal email was the best way to tell me. She loves me, and above all she doesn’t want to hurt me.

“Congratulations, that is such a good thing! Please don’t cry!!!”

But I cried.

I cried with joy that my little sister is going to be a great mom.

I cried with excitement about a new little niece/nephew.

I cried with HAPPINESS that the wrath of infertility didn’t catch her.

I cried out of envy.

I cried because she felt guilty about getting pregnant.

I cried because she didn’t want to hurt me.

I cried for the announcement I may never give.

I cried for my angel babies I will never hold.

I cried because I’m infertile and I can’t change it.

I cried for the life I fear I will never have.

I cried because I’m so excited to spoil that little baby and be the best aunt a kid could ask for!

I cried because I’m so thrilled and I get to live vicariously through her.

“A heart at peace breathes life to the body, but envy rots the bone.”

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