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Archive for October, 2012

I realize I haven’t blogged in forever. We were not in the midst of cycling and I never felt like I had anything substantial to say.

At the end of the day infertility still sucks, it still hurts, I’m still struggling, and things are still hard. Sometimes it’s tedious and boring to write the same emotions day in and day out.

So I took a break.

August 9, CD1, I decided to give up gluten. There’s a long story behind it but basically I found out 90% of my cousins on one side have all tested positive for both genetic markers for Celiac disease/gluten intolerance. So I thought I’d see if I felt any different.

I did. I felt great! Along with that I became very diligent with taking my omega fish oils, a strong antioxidant called pycnogenol (supposed to help with endo) and taking vitamin D.

I ovulated 15 days later and on September 6, the one year anniversary of my Dad’s death, I got a BFP.

Maybe all those changes helped, maybe not.

I had some betas, which were all perfect!

14dpo = 79
17dpo = 364
19dpo = 984
22dpo = 2112

Ultrasound at 22dpo shows empty uterus. Obviously there’s a huge ectopic concern, but they know they scanned me very early.

25dpo = 5189

Repeat ultrasound. We see a sac!

Next ultrasound at 6w5d shows 2 gestational sacs!! One of which has a heartbeat! THE most beautiful thing I’ve EVER seen! That moment will stay with me forever. Words will never be able to express how amazingly beautiful that was! Seeing that flicker on the screen while tears poured my face, made every heartache worth it.

The 2nd sac has a yolk sac only but no fetal pole.

We do another ultrasound one week later, on October 4th, and our beautiful beating heart had stopped. The 2nd sac now had a fetal pole but no heartbeat was detected.

I will never be able to explain how crushing that moment was. To have that baby be so real and so alive and have a heartbeat just a week before, then ripped out of our grasp, was the most unfair thing I’ve been dealt.

Those tears of joy from a week before came back so much stronger that day and with such a deep ache, it was deafening.

My husband and I hugged and bawled in that room as long as we needed, and as it turned out, we needed much more than a few minutes in a Dr office.

We have since met with my Dr and are in the middle of deciding our next step. They are recommending a d&c, which is the safer route, but I can choose to miscarry naturally also. I don’t know exactly what I want.

I have had no bleeding or cramping whatsoever, and at this point, the waiting is getting annoying.

I will more than likely decide to do the d&c just to get it over with.

In the meantime I’m so up and down. I’m fine one day, and the next I can barely compose myself. One day I’m hopeful for us and our future, and in the next instant, I’m convinced motherhood is not meant for me.

I can’t believe how incredibly fucked up this journey has been. What the fuck did I do to deserve this much heartache?

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