Archive for October, 2011


Tomorrow I’m turning 30.  I wish I could say I was looking forward to my birthday.  I know there are a lot of infertile women or fertile women that don’t have children until well into their 30s.  While the age isn’t necessary the issue, the date, just brings a lot of realization that we’re still on this damn journey.

2 years ago, to the date, I found out I was pregnant for the first time.  For some reason my birthday always reminds me of that day.  It was hard on me to lose that pregnancy and find out it was ectopic.  Throughout our IVF journey, I knew that *when* it worked, we’d know for sure and have ultrasound confirmation by my birthday.  I was really looking forward to being pregnant on my birthday.

The fact is that we started trying when I was 25.  I literally thought that our family would be complete by the time I was 30.  Silly silly me.  The joke was on me, for sure.  Because 5 years later, we’re still exactly where we started, but I’m much more emotional, and kind of a wreck sometimes.  I go over in my head repeatedly, all the great things I have to look forward to, and how much fun I’ll have on my birthday.  All I really want is to be a mom.  And no amount of alcohol, fun nights, or parties, can replace that longing.  The emptiness I feel, especially after this failed cycle, is so deep.

I try my hardest not to let it consume me, but I’m really drowning.  I wear a smile all day, and go about life like I’m so strong.  Almost as soon as I’m alone, the tears are flowing.  I’m sleeping horribly.  I wake up everynight in the middle of the night, and lay there for hours.  Most of the time I cry.  I go to work looking like a wreck.  I look at all the blessings in my life and thank God for everything I have.  And almost everytime I think about the happy things in my life, my mind wanders right back to the picture of my little embies.

From the moment I saw that picture, and held it, I fell in love.  Maybe that sounds stupid, but it’s real.  I fell in love with those tiny embryos, that little part of me, half of me.  And it crushes me that they didn’t become anything.  I don’t feel like I’ve ever been so heartbroken.

So for my birthday, I took the day off work.  I’m going to the day spa with my mom, and I’m getting an 80 minute massage.  We’re going to dinner and to a comedy club at night.  And on Saturday, I convinced Eric to take me to Disneyland.  So I’m heading to the Happiest Place on Earth, and hoping some of the “happy” wears off on me.

And may this year, the year that I turn 30, be MY year!



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About our move

In approximately 3 weeks we are making a huge change in our lives. Eric and I are moving from sunny and warm Southern California to Kansas City, Missouri.

Neither of us have ever lived farther than 30 miles from where we grew up, so this is a BIG change for us. While we are excited for what the future has in store for us, we are also nervous and kind of scared about it too. And that’s very natural.

The biggest reason for our move is financial. Both of our jobs transfer us there with the same pay, but fortunately there is a significantly lower cost of living. We have family there. Actually most of Eric’s family lives there now, they have migrated there over the past 15 years.

Things were much simpler before my dad passed away. It’s much harder to leave my mom now. Much harder. But at the end of the day, we know we this move is better for us and for our future.

So the next few weeks will be full of many, many gatherings with all our great friends here.

And then we’ll close the chapter on our lives as Californians.

Holy crap!

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Mad at myself

My RE emailed me today with recommendations for fertility centers in Missouri. I was very thankful he did that! Definitely a weight lifted off my shoulders, knowing we can find someone easily, that my Dr recommends.

I had asked him if my weight could be a factor that would affect our success with this IVF cycle and our upcoming FET. He wrote that losing 20 pounds would improve our success.

I started crying as soon as I read that. I’m so mad at myself for not being healthier and thinner going into this. I feel like I could have done more to improve our odds and success.

So our cycle went “perfectly” yet failed, and I know I could have done more to increase our chances. It really breaks my heart even more, and now I feel like I have no one to blame but myself.

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Living in the moment

I know it sounds dumb but I keep everything.  Something about seeing the progress of medications and what we’ve gone through….Our entire IVF cycle, I didn’t throw away any of the used up meds.  I kept it all.  Not sure why, but I knew I’d eventually sort it all out.  So here it is, my IVF trash

It was time to say goodbye.  I kept all the unused syringes and what progesterone and delestrogen I have left, to be used in the future.

Emotionally, I’m still having a tough time.  I hate that money is dictating our future, and unfortunately there’s not much I can do about it.  I had originally gone to counselling because I was having a hard time accepting that my life is not turning out the way I had envisioned it.  I know that my life may end up being “childless”, and if that’s the case, I need to be able to move on from the ties from infertility.  It’s a hard pill to swallow.

I decided that my counselor needed a visit from me.  Rather I needed her.  So I went this week, the same day of my WTF appointment.  I always feel better after talking to her.  It was a good day all in all.  I told her the same thing about being able to move on with my life.  She put the brakes on me pretty quick!  She said to try to think of my life in chapters.  We’re moving out of state next month, so in all honesty, we’re closing a chapter of our lives.  The FET will be the next chapter.  By thinking about living childless, I’m jumping ahead in the “book”.  I need to focus on the here and now.  The truth is, we have a plan, a back up plan.  We have frozen embryos that very well may become our take-home baby(ies).  So the chapter ahead of me is our move.  The next chapter is the FET.  So that’s what I’m focusing on.  One chapter at a time.  I don’t need to drown myself in negativity thoughts.

A little about the FET

I’ve gotten some comments about our future FET, and concerns over the number of embryos to transfer.  Yes the thought of triplets or even quads freaks me out beyond belief.  With our failed IVF cycle, my RE recommended transferring 3.  I was extremely nervous about it.  What if they all take??? The odds of one taking was 60%, two taking was 15%, and all three taking was 5%.  I wanted to transfer 2, Eric wanted to do all 3.  In the end, I made the decision to trust my doctor’s recommendation, and I knew if I only transferred 2 and none took, I would kick myself for it.  I’m happy I chose to do 3, because our cycle failed, and I would have felt horrible right now, knowing I could have given myself a better chance.

At our WTF appointment, we discussed the FET.  We have 2 good quality embryos, and 2 fair.  Since 3 didn’t work on our last cycle, which has a greater success rate than a frozen cycle, I would want to do 3.  That’s sort of my dilemma.  I want to transfer 3 again, so do I just leave the 4th frozen?  Save one final embryo?  With the success rate with FET being lower than a fresh cycle, and the odds of all 4 taking, being less 5%, our Dr recommended transferring all 4.  And that brings me back to this cycle, what if I had done less than my Dr recommended and gotten the same result? It just really sucks to go over it in my head over and over again.  I think in the end we’ll end up doing 3.  And honestly, it’s a lot for me to think about.  I just hope and pray that one takes and we get a take home baby next year.

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WTF appointment

I really love my Dr! He was so sweet, gentle, understanding and calming.

We talked about the entire cycle. He said when a cycle fails they look at 4 causes.

1. Protocol. He said if we did a fresh cycle again, he’d have me start on the high dose immediately to get my follies growing quicker and get my E2 level higher. My max E2 level was 2556, and he likes it at at least 3000.

2. Eggs. We had 13 eggs total, with 10 mature. So even with my E2 level not as high as he likes, my eggs were good.

3. Embryos. We have 7 embryos make it, which is great! The ones we transferred were great quality.

4. Embryo Transfer. We had no complications and it was an easy transfer.

Therefore with all those 4 items checking out good, there’s no real reason it didn’t work. Basically the cycle went as perfect as it could.

We discussed doing the FET. Being that we’re moving out of state next month, that poses some challenges. He said it’s hard on the embryos to transport them. We decided to find an RE in our new state and have monitoring done there. Then just fly here for the transfer.

The FET success rates are about 10% lower than a fresh cycle. That’s not bad. He said typically 80% of the embryos survive the thaw. So we’ll transfer whatever we have. If all 4 survive, we’re transferring all 4.

So that’s the plan. He’s going to help us find an RE there for the monitoring and I’m so happy he’ll be the one to do the transfer, because I really do love him! I felt so much better after leaving his office.

And 6 days after stopping progesterone, AF arrives. Thank you for that!

We’re hoping to do the FET in February.

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WTF appointment scheduled

My WTF appointment is scheduled for this Thursday morning. I can’t imagine he’ll have anything profound to say. Literally the cycle went perfectly, yet failed! What can you say? We knew going in, it wasn’t guaranteed, so unfortunately we got the short end of the stick. It sucks, horribly.

When I called, the nurse asked if I’d gotten my period yet. Ummm nope, when can I expect that? Anytime, she says. Lovely.

I have quite a few questions though. We’re moving to Kansas City, Missouri next month. So I need to ship the frozen embryos there. I need to find a new RE there. I’m curious the approximate cost of the shipping. I’m curious the FET success rate. I’m curious what I can do to increase our chances. And I wonder if my cycle next month will normal, whether I’ll ovulate or not. There were more, but I forgot the rest.

I should make a full list.

In general I feel really crappy. I feel really depressed. I drank this weekend. It helped to do something fun, but as soon as I lay my head down, I’m flooded with sadness.

I decided to clean up my diet, eat better, lower my calories. At least thinking about calories may distract me from thinking about my empty uterus.

I feel like a failure. I feel like my body is failing us. I never thought anything could be this painful. And unfortunately it comes at a really crappy time. Within the last 2 months, my dog died, my dad died, and now my perfect quality transferred embryos will never be.

Everything just really hurts right now.

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Things just shouldn’t hurt this bad. This many tears should never fall from anyone’s eyes. Fuck you, infertility, fuck you!

IVF #1 officially failed. 11dp3dt beta is negative.

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