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Archive for June, 2011

Chances

When we saw the RE last week, he told us our chance of getting pregnant each month, on our own, is 3%. Since I have only one functioning tube, that cuts it in half, almost.

So he spelled it out for us. Then why oh why, was I so disappointed with that damn temp drop this morning? And the arrival of CD1. Stupid body!

In good news, we’re only 28 days away from the cycle! Hopefully, as long as everything goes as I’ve planned….

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I’ve talked about my SAIF friend, Tiff, quite a bit. Well here goes some more. I got a card from her today. A card I wasn’t expecting. It was a card of friendship, love, support, and hope for our upcoming cycle. Seriously love this girl!

 

 

Front of the card

Quotes on the insideThoughtful wishes

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Friendships

I’m a very emotional person. I always have been. I cry very easily, whether I’m happy, sad, angry, or frustrated. It’s embarrassing.

Infertility has been such an enormous bag of emotions for me. It’s more than I could ever attempt to put into words. Though I’ll try….

Infertility has become more than the inability to conceive and carry a child. It’s a feeling that surrounds me every day. I’ve always wanted children and a family. When you are faced with the reality that that may never happen, it’s a major kick in the gut. When you try so hard for a dream for so long, it’s very hard to just abandon that dream. It’s also very hard to stay positive about the unknown outcome also. It’s a realization that things may not turn out how you want/planned. So you think positively, you hope your turn is coming. You stand by and offer congratulations to handfuls of new parents you have in your life. You attend baby showers and try not to cry while you stare at this huge pregnant belly, and wonder if you’ll ever know what that feels like. You go to weddings and watch the father give away his daughter and wonder if your husband will ever have the opportunity to do that. You watch the groom dance with his mother and get scared that you’ll never have the chance to do the same. You attend birthday parties for children in your life and long to have the chance to throw a party for your kid and sing “Happy Birthday” to honor the day you brought them into the world. You hold friend’s/relatives newborn babies and fight the tears, because the only thing you want in the whole world is for a friend to hold YOUR baby. You watch your husband play with this nieces and nephews and know he really just wants to play with his own kid. You visit friends and see their family photos on the wall, and long to fill your photos with more than just the two of you.

It’s just hard. It makes you withdraw from social situations at the fear of crying as soon as someone asks you when you’ll have children or if you want children. Meanwhile all day, you’ve been wondering if this is the month it worked and counting how many day you have until you can test. You reach for some hope for the 40th time in the 40 months you have been trying (or in our case, 50 +). You build this wall around you so no one can get in and see how bad you are hurting, how upset you are, and how no amounts of alcohol and caffeine can take that away.

But sometimes in the midst of the wall you’ve built, there’s a tiny crack and a friend can see through it. She can see how bad you’re hurting. She wants to approach but doesn’t know how. She wants to reach out but feels guilty because she has a baby and you don’t. She wants to offer support and love but is afraid because she doesn’t know how it feels to be infertile, and doesn’t know what words to say to make you feel comforted.

My friend did approach me. This happened a couple weeks ago. Naturally I turned into a slobbery crying mess, because I thought no one could see how I was feeling. It meant so so so much to me to have support from her. To know that she doesn’t know how it feels but she’s there just to be my friend and hold my hand if I need it. It touched me, more than I could ever explain, and made me feel so so loved. It was like a HUG right at the right time!

So thank you from the bottom of my heart!

With IVF#1 coming up, I’m feeling more and more compelled to break through my wall and share how difficult this journey is. I will use caution, as not everyone will fully understand, but I think it’s time to let my guard down and share with my friends. They dont deserve to be shut out just because they have what I dream of.

So with that said, “One little pink line short of sheer bliss” has it’s 200th post today! May this blog slowly take a change in a new direction. A happy, blessed one, hopefully.

“Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”

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Having a plan

I am kind of a planner. I like to know what’s coming up. I like to visualize things in my head. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t already envisioned my entire IVF cycle.

I feel so grateful to be at a point right now where we have a solid plan coming up.

As long as things go accordingly to plan, CD1 for next cycle should be July 27. After 3 weeks of BCP’s, stims and monitoring, my ER should be around August 29. Meaning the ET would be between Aug 31-Sept 3. It feels so close, I can almost taste it!

It’s kind of funny how just having that plan, has made me feel so much better! I feel a renewed sense of hope, a little less bitter, and a little more happy!

My goal is to keep blogging, keep getting my feelings and thoughts out there.

Come on July, 27th! We’re ready for you!

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I really like him! He’s very young, professional, kind and thorough.
We discussed my medical history, and went through all my records from the last RE. He says he isn’t convinced I even had ectopics, since there is really no evidence, other than pain. But of course he couldn’t say for sure. He said he would put us more into the “unexplained” category.

He suggested IVF, which I expected, and honestly I know I could get pregnant from an IUI, but after over 4 years, I’m ready to do what will get us the highest success rate.

My biggest question was what our success rate would be with a mini IVF vs. Traditional IVF. He said OUR success would be the same which is 50-60%.

With the mini we save about $4,000. Their cost of the mini is listed at $4,200. That’s a bit deceiving (which upset my husband a bit), because that price doesn’t include meds, the OR, or anesthesia. Once all those are factored in, we’re looking at about $8,000-9,000. The biggest difference is the drugs, he says he likes to get about 8-10 eggs, so with the injectibles it’s still basically a regular IVF.

We have more than half the amount, so we’re hoping we can get financed for the reminder. If not it will postpone a couple months.

As of right now, we’ll be on vacation the first week of August, so we’ll be starting with my cycle the end July. So I’ll basically be on BCP’s while on vacation then begin stims when we get back.

I’m hoping this next months flies by!! And fingers crossed that we can get financed and get on the road!!

I’ve got the BCP prescription in my hand, so I just have nothing to do now but wait…

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We had some procedures done in 2008. Yes that’s 3 years ago! Apparently the insurance we had at that time, just now figured out that we overpaid! So they cut us a check for $985! Not only did we overpay by $700 something, but the insurance company paid US interest on the last 914 days that they’ve had our money.

Holy crap! Seriously we had no idea and never would have known that we overpaid and were owed money. So the check came as a complete shock and happy surprise!

Ironically it came right before we go see the new RE, which is in just 2 days! And puts us right on track for the mini IVF, financially at least. Now I just need him to recommend it, and we can start next week hopefully!

Thanks insurance! You totally made my day!

Can’t wait to update on my consultation!

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I cried today

I’m seeing the new RE in less than a week. I’m pretty sure his mini IVF does not include ICSI. Since our SA is normal now, I suppose we can go without the ICSI. If that’s the case, we’ll begin in 2 weeks! 2 weeks! If we need the full ICSI, we’ll begin the end of August.

Either way, this whole thing is right around the corner. I’m excited, hopeful, scared, nervous, overwhelmed, and happy to be so close to this!

I guess that’s where the tears came from! Happy tears that it’s right around the corner. Mad tears that this is something we have to do, because infertility effing sucks! Scared tears at the thought about what *if* it doesn’t work. And excited tears about the possibility of a good outcome!

Its just overwhelming! It’s so many emotions combined into one.

I’m ready!

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