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Archive for March, 2011

Feeling like a rookie

It’s only been 4 years TTC, you would think I’d have the basics figured out!

Well this cycle I decided to pull out the BBT thermometer and try temping again. I’m also using the CBEFM. However Mrs. CBEFM is a little feisty and I screwed up when I entered CD1, so now it only let’s me test at night. So that won’t work! I had some First Response OPK’s near expiration so I figured I’d use them up.

Here’s the interesting part. On CD15, I got the first + OPK, the lines were equal in color. In the past, that has been the most + I’ve gotten, with a few darker lines here and there. CD16-18 I’m still getting +’s with a dark test line, but no temp spike yet.

Normally we have sex the day of and the day after the + OPK. For some reason, this cycle I decided to keep testing until it was – again.

If I’m getting 4-5 days of + OPK’s without even knowing it, I’m wondering how many months we’ve missed O completely.

I’m tracking EWCM too. The other interesting bodily function is that the EWCM has been gone since CD16, but today is CD18 and still no O.

My body is tricking me! I guess I’ll keep temping! I need to figure this out!

In the meantime, here is my beautiful CD18 + OPK. Please please please be an egg on the right!

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I was definitely nervous.  I’ve never been to therapy before, so I didn’t really know what to expect.  I really like my therapist, G.  She was very nice, very thorough, and made me feel very comfortable.  We talked about infertility and my lost pregnancies.  I cried, just like I knew I would.  I’m not sure if this sounds weird or not, but something about crying in front a stranger was very relieving and I felt very refreshed afterwards.

She said it sounds like I’m going through the grieving process still, which I agreed.  So we talked a little bit about stages of grief and grief recovery.  I’m already on the right path, so that’s good.  I’m trying to focus on areas of my life that I have control over.  It’s nice to know I’m heading down the right path.

We talked about how I’m coming to a big realization that my life is not turning out how I had planned or expected, and it’s very hard for me to deal with.  One major thing for me, is that since I don’t know what the future holds, and I may never be a mother, I don’t want to be the 60, 70 year old woman, still bitter angry that her life didn’t turn out how she wanted.

We also talked about how infertility and other people’s pregnancies have a negative impact on me and I’m letting it all consume my life.  That consumption, which has led to many depressive behaviors, is not healthy at all.  She explained that our behaviors are triggered by our feelings, and our feelings are triggered by our thoughts.  So my homework for the next 3 weeks until I see her again, is to try to redirect my negative/bitter/angry thoughts before my feelings are affected, thus changing my behavior.  It definitely made a lot of sense.

She did explain that my feelings and thoughts are justifiable and it’s ok to experience them, but it’s not ok to let them consume me.  So keep those things in a jar, and open that jar every once in awhile, but I have to learn how to close that jar and keep it closed a little more often.

Sometimes it feels like all I do is open that nasty jar and swim around in it for days and days.  No wonder I’m miserable.  And then all those feelings begin to affect every other aspect of my life.

I felt very good when I left her office.  And I’m working on the things we talked about.  I think it was a very wise decision to go seek therapy.

 

On another note, I’ve been wanting to share this for awhile and keep forgetting….

My friend, Tiff, my SAIF e-friend that became my IRL friend gave me a gift a few weeks ago.  It was VERY sweet and heartfelt, and made me a little teary.

It’s this

there’s a lot of depth to the gift.  One- its a panda.  The entire Panda phenomenon is a long story, but pandas are freaking awesome!  And they are extremely lucky, and they are awesome good-luck charms!  It’s also a baby toy.  So her thought behind the gift was that it would be a toy for my future unconceived child, and also a good luck charm.  It came with this note-

So sweet!

Normally it bugs me when me people tell  me it WILL happen.  I’m not sure it will happen, how can anyone else KNOW that it will?  However, this gift and note came from a different place entirely.  This girl has been one of the biggest blessings in my infertility journey.  She is one of the silver linings in this huge gray infertility cloud.  Had I never gone down this long, treacherous, winding road, I would have never met her.  So that’s the blessing.  That’s something I can thank infertility for.  We have talked countlessly about infertility, emotional rollercoasters, bitterness, anger, and we’ve even shed some tears together.  So this gift, this little good luck Panda, sits on my nightstand.  I see it every morning when I wake up.  It reminds me to keep the faith, believe, know that I’m not alone, and that I deserve the dream I dream.

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I won an award :)

Yay!!  I love awards!!

My friend, Gidge, over at www.inspectorgidget.blogspot.com awarded me the Good Egg Award!

Here’s how it works:

  1. Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award. Gidge at www.inspectorgidget.blogspot.com presented me with the award. Thanks!
  2. Share 7 things about yourself
  3. Award other bloggers (you determine who and how many)
  4. Contact these blogs and tell them about the award

 

So 7 things about me-

1.  I am addicted to coffee.

2.  I have fallen in love with baseball in the last 2 years.  Baseball is a sport I always thought I hated.  Funny how things change.

3.  I have never left the US.  Not even to Mexico.  Sadly, I live about 2.5 hours from Mexico, yet have never ventured across the border.

4.  I am scared of clowns.

5.  I always thought I wanted to be a crime scene investigator.  I figured out really quick, that I am WAY TOO emotional to deal with crime scenes every day.  Instead I’m a physical therapist, and I help old people get out of bed and walk again.

6.  I love my job!  I work in nursing home, which is a place most people would never want to step foot in, but I love going to work everyday.  Elderly people have great senses of humor, great stories, and crack me up all the time!  The worst part of my job, is that I get attached to people and sometimes they pass away 😦

7.  I am addicted to/obsessed with Victoria’s Secret cupquake lipgloss.  I have at least 5 tubes between my house, purse, and work.

 

I am awarding

Kate at www.katery.wordpress.com

Amy at www.thejellychronicles.blogspot.com

Kim at www.dishbaby.blogspot.com

Lindsay at www.ltf525.blogspot.com

 

 

 

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Things are looking up

Well my counseling appointment was pushed back a week. But the good news is that it’s because I got referred to someone a friend goes to. So I go this Thursday, March 17, St. Patty’s day! I have no idea what to expect, but I’m looking forward to it!

One of my goals for 2011 was to run a 5k. Back in high school I played basketball. I loved basketball! I was an athlete. I ran track in high school as well, but it was only so I could run faster for basketball. For many many reasons I stopped playing and exercising, and now I’m really out of shape. So I decided to train for the 5k. I got the Couch to 5k (C25K) app on my phone. I love the app and it really works!! I am now able to run 20 minutes straight, in just 7 weeks. I should get to the point where I can run 45 minutes straight in the next 4 weeks. The plan is to do the Disney AIDS walk 5k (I’ll run) on May 1. I want to continue after that but I’m trying to focus on the here and now and not get too far ahead of myself.

Even in high school, I never really liked running, unless it was up and down a basketball court. But I think the challenge of it now, the goal, and the fact that I’m succeeding what I thought was out of reach, are making me really enjoy running. I look forward to getting off work and doing my training.

I am definitely still struggling with some feelings, but overall I’m feeling better. I am doing things for me, which I’m realizing, ME, is something I haven’t focused on in awhile.

I was nominated for an award (thanks, Gidge!) and I’ll post that info when I’m at a real computer 🙂

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