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Archive for February, 2011

Counseling

Off recommendations from some friends, I decided to look into seeing a therapist. I’ve thought about it before but never followed through. Fortunately my insurance covers it, and it’s unlimited visits with only a copay. That’s awesome! So I made an appt for March 10. That’s the soonest I could get anywhere. I’m waiting on return calls from a few other places to see if they have sooner. If not, March 10th it is!
I’m looking forward to it.

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Insecurity and depression

What a bad combination. I am really struggling lately. I have always been the type of person to hide my emotions. I always appear happy, even if I’m sad.

Lately I’m drowning. I feel so insecure in my marriage, and I have no idea why. I feel like I’m a boring old lady who only talks about work, what’s for dinner, what book I’m reading, and what’s on TV. I feel like a bit of failure for being almost 30 and still barren. I don’t feel attractive, I don’t feel sexy, I don’t feel interesting, and I don’t feel confident. I feel like I am offering nothing to keep my husband by my side. I don’t even feel like being with myself, why would he?

I don’t know where all this is coming from, but I suppose it’s all the reasons I stated above. I feel myself pulling away from him and judging every tiny thing he says. Almost like I’m looking for him to hate me.

I’m crying as I type this because it feels like these emotions have suppressed and now that I’m letting them out, it’s like I’m finally being honest with myself.

I almost feel abnormal to feel like this, and it’s not me.

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Missed it

Dammit! I got sick this month. I was really sick. 102 degree fever, nasty headache, horrid cough, the works. And yep, you guessed it! Sick right at O! No chance this cycle.

Not sure where the optimism is coming from, but I’m feeling really positive the last few weeks, thinking we really can do this. So, Universe, if you’re listening, I want to be a mother! I want to have a family! I want to have a baby!

Maybe the announcement to the Universe will turn our luck around!

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