Archive for August, 2010

In my own words

I typed this out on one of my boards the other day. I saved it and I think it’s worthy of sharing.

One of my friends commented about getting a private message on FB from an acquaintance to announce her pregnancy. It upset her, so she vented about it. And then some dumb girl came in with her enormous pregnancy ticker to say that the reason she wasn’t pregnant was karma biting her in the ass! What a cruel thing to say! So I wrote this….

” Everyone on this board has been diagnosed with infertility.
Infertility is extremely painful, and is accompanied by the fear that you will never be a mother. It is full of high hopes that are crushed repeatedly, sadness, doubt, sometimes guilt, and oftentimes leads to bitterness.

Infertility is silent because it hurts us so much to talk about it, often because it’s very emotional to go through. So we stay silent and offer congratulations to everyone around us who gets pregnant while we are spending thousands of dollars to achieve a dream others get so easily. And time and time again we fail, while we watch acquaintances and friends welcome baby after baby into their lives.

So a person you barely know contacting you privately to tell you she’s KU is strange, and hurtful. And of course she wouldn’t know about Dip’s struggle since they AREN’T CLOSE.

Bottom line, we are all going through infertility here, and it hurts time and time again to get pregnancy announcements. So this is the place for us to vent about it. Where we are understood.”

And for the record. Just need to add this. We don’t hate people who are pregnant. We don’t think pregnancy is ugly and disgusting. We don’t cringe to ourselves when we see pregnant women because we hate them.

We think pregnancy is beautiful. We long to be mothers. And we cringe at the sight of pregnant bellies because it feels like a slap in the face. We struggle daily with the longing to be pregnant and become a mother. And many times we head through our days distracting ourselves from the reality that it may never happen. So when we see that growing belly on someone else, it’s a stark reminder and an instant flash back to reality.

The fact that we’ve been trying for almost 4 years is so heartbreaking to me. And 3 lost pregnancies in less than a year doesn’t exactly mend my heart.

I ran across this quote a few weeks ago. It made me cry…..
“For those who deeply want children and are denied them,
those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives.
Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” -Laura Bush

The feel of a tiny hand that is never held…..tears!!!

So what do we do? We fail repeatedly. We suffer losses. We cry. We get kicked down.

With a heavy heart and tears filling my eyes, I stand up, dust myself off, and try again.


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And a BFN 😦 So it looks like this was a chemical pregnancy. Lengthened LP, high temps beyond my normal LP, a faint BFP, followed by a BFN. This fvcking sucks! I’ve been crying all morning, which is super since I’m at work. Feels like the Universe hates me! 😦

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I POAS today.  The internet cheapie one was EXTREMELY faintly positive.  And I mean EXTREMELY!  Like I had to hold it under bright light, and stare for some time to see the faintest little line.  It’s not even worth posting a pic of it, because I guarantee you can’t see it through a pic, or the computer no less. 

The First Response was stark negative.  Not a faint line at all. 

I know the internet cheapies are supposed to be more sensitive, so a positive is a positive.  But I’m concerned with how faint it is at 13dpo. 

Both my lost pregnancies were low betas, and those HPTs were stronger than this one.  Even at 13dpo.  So that concerns me.  I really don’t want to go through the heartache and stress of the low, slow-rising betas again.

But I’m praying that little line sticks around and gets stronger.  Praying with all my heart that this little miracle is the real thing this time. 

If my tests get stronger and I get a positive on a FRER, I’ll call the RE and schedule a beta. 

Really really really wishing with all my heart, that this pregnancy lasts a whole 9 months, and I get my baby at the end of this. 

Little miracle in there, I’ve been waiting a long time for you.  I hope and pray with all my heart, that I get to meet you.

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As of this morning, the trigger is gone. And now I’m really sad that at 10dpo I got a negative. I know it’s still early, but it makes me doubt that this worked even more. My LP is always 12 days so I should know by Monday if it worked or not.

I’m contemplating doing another IUI right away or skipping a cycle. I want to have more eggs on the right, and even with stims we’d probably have more on the left next cycle. Since we’re OOP it may be worth it to wait until we have a better chance, rather than throw away $1000 at bad odds.

Anyway, I’m a little depressed. And I want this to work so bad! It’s so hard to imagine that wanting something bad enough, praying for it, paying for it, and with all the good luck charms in the world, doesn’t mean it’ll happen. How is that fair?

Someday, all these sad days will have been worth it.

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And 8dpTrigger. And the trigger is still there. I’m curious how long it’s going to stick around. It would be way cool if it that HPT just kept staying +…..

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Feeling better

Thank God! I woke up this morning with almost no pain. I still feel some pressure and bloating, but no pain. No fever and no weight gain either, which are big OHSS symptoms. So that’s good!

I talked to the RE’s nurse. They said I was probably feeling the cysts on my ovaries since I had such large follicles.

Let’s hope all that was a good sign!

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Pain at 4dpIUI

I started having pain yesterday, mostly in my right ovary. Similar to O pains, but sharper. Last night it got more severe, and I had a hard time sleeping. This morning the pain was in both ovaries and I have sharp pains through my cervix, which comes and goes.

Needless to say, I’m very worried about what’s happening in there. If it doesn’t go away by the morning, then I’m heading to the RE’s office.

My temp is 99, which is a low grade fever. Possible causes are infection or OHSS. OHSS is very rare with IUI cycles, so hopefully it’s all nothing.

I also feel bloated. My lower abdomen is tender to touch. So I don’t know what’s going on.

But I’m still worried 😦

If you have any experience with this or thoughts, please share.

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