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Archive for May, 2010

Thank you, AF

….for FINALLY arriving so I can move on with my life!

Only took a month, but finally here. Next cycle we can schedule the HSG. So in about a month from now.

Good old husband is not convinced the second the pregnancy was ectopic, he thinks it was a miscarriage. Which, according to him, *most* people have before they get pregnant with the long lasting baby. So he thinks I should chill the eff out and be happy we at least got pregnant. While I am happy we did it on our own, having 2 losses, ectopic or otherwise, hurts like hell!!! And having to go through more testing and waiting longer also sucks ass!

Husband thinks my tubes are fine, and it’s possible, but there’s no way I’m going through this again. So we’ll find out for sure next month.

Mother’s Day was not enjoyable. Never in our TTC journey has this day stung so damn bad. All day, I kept thinking how I just wanted someone to say “Happy Mother’s Day” to me. And of course it’s coupled with the fear that I’ll never hear those words. There are pregnancies EVERYWHERE around me and it just hurts. I am happy for all the expectant moms in my life but it is so dificult to watch it happen over and over again. And continue to wonder when it will be my turn.

I’ve been crying so much lately. Part of it is the losses, part of it is the infertility, part of it is seeing people close to me be blessed with something I’ve longed for for years now, part of it was mother’s day, and sadly part of it is still fear.

Tomorrow is our 4th wedding anniversary 🙂 I’m so in love, and more in love today than I was 4 years ago. This has been a rough journey, but I couldn’t have asked for a better companion. My husband is always supportive and optimistic, and he will be the greatest father! He has been my rock, my hand to hold, my shoulder to cry on, my voice of reason, my sound of laughter, and will always be my best friend!

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Today brings NIAW to a close. I wish I had the guts to be more open about it. I think I would be if I was pregnant or a mother already. I’m not sure why, but it seems harder to talk about it while I’m still in it. I did make a pretty large leap and post something on FB. It was rather vague, but I did it. I’m sure some of my friends got the picture.

On one of the nest boards someone posted that “Infertile people are the biggest bunch of whiners”. It upset me so much to read this. First of all, I’m not very judgemental to begin with, so to see someone else judge something they know nothing about, just irks me. But I really started thinking about it and I was feeling pretty down for a couple days. I’m sure she went to the IF board, which is a safe haven for us, and based her comment on that. But it broke my heart.

I’ve been running/jogging/walking this week, and it feels so good! I’m enjoying doing something physical, healthy and just by myself. I’m reconsidering the 1/2 marathon and I think instead I will do a 5k, but run the whole thing. Rather than walk the 1/2. There are some 1/2s later on in the year that I can sign up for. That way I’ll have more time to train for it and actually be able to run it.

I think that’s it. AF still hasn’t arrived. So we still have 2 AFs to get through before the HSG. I’m terrified to do the HSG mostly because I’m worried they will find something.

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