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Archive for April, 2010

This past Saturday I did something to honor my Godson, the Angel.  Brandon was born at 22 weeks last year.  This past Saturday, Eric and I walked a 6 mile walk for March of Dimes in his honor.  We had t-shirts made. 

The front of the shirt said

“In loving memory of our Godson, Brandon Lewis

6/30/09”

The back of the shirt said

“We walk the steps that he did not take”

The number of people there was incredible to see.  We had a great time, and heard some amazing stories.  Ironically that day started off National Infertility Awareness Week.

After the 6 mile walk, I felt freaking great!! I literally could have repeated it right then and there.  So I decided to sign up for a 1/2 marathon!!! 13.1 miles!! The 1/2 is June 5.  Yes that is less than 6 weeks away, which means I have zero time to procrastinate!

The marathon-1/2 marathon has always been something I have wanted to do.  So this 1/2 will be a step toward that.  I feel great to be doing something for ME.  I don’t know how to correctly explain it, but I have lost who I am in this journey.  And doing something for me, that I will accomplish, that I will achieve will help (I hope) get me back on track. 

So that’s it!  I’m doing a 1/2 marathon! I am excited and terrified all at the same time!

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Final Beta

Yesterday my beta was at 7.2.  They are happy with the drop and the level and said I don’t need to come in again.  Thank you, Lord.  It’s hard enough to experience a loss, but to have to go back to the Dr for more bad news, 3 times a week, is not fun. 

Yesterday I was in tears driving to their office.  I was actually considering changing RE’s because of that feeling.  I have been in there more times for dropping betas and bad office visits than for good news.  And I just have unhappy memories of that place.  One day, I’m hoping, I’ll have wonderful memories. 

Still no AF.  I’m still having some pain occasionally.  I’m really really terrified that something is wrong with my tube/s.  I really hope not. In 2 cycles, we’ll schedule the HSG and go from there. 

Overall, I’m fine.  I have my moments.  They usually come out of nowhere and smack me in the face. 

Today is the beginning of National Infertility Awareness Week.  Thank you to everyone for following me in this journey.  Congratulations to everyone who has defeated infertility.  And once again, I’m thankful for meeting all of you.  For without this journey and heartache, we would never have “met”.  Much love to you all!

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I came home from work tonight to find these waiting for me. From some very sweet sweet girls I have been lucky enough to meet and call my friends. I cried my eyes out! I just felt so loved!
The card said “There are no words, other than We’re here and we love you”

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Ectopic details

When I first saw that BFP I was so thrilled that we did it on our own. I told myself (repeatedly) that if this isn’t it, it’s ok because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don’t feel like that anymore. When u/s #1 was finished, I cried and cried because we didn’t see anything. I held onto the hope that it was too early.

When I started having pain, I thought it was possibly from the u/s since she was digging around looking for something to see. When the pain got worse, I got so scared. Even though I was concerned it was ectopic again (since my betas were on the low end) I don’t think I was anywhere close to being mentally prepared to go through this again.

The second u/s showed nothing again. Some fluid on my left by the tube (same side as before). They decided to run another beta. At 6w2d we should have seen a gestational sac. Based on the fact that we did not, combined with pain and fluid on the left, was what the RE needed to give the ectopic dx. He said he couldn’t be 100% sure it was in the tube, but is pretty sure it is, but regardless, it is unsuccessful.  ****Edited to add more details I left out*** It is possibly that the pregnancy was in my uterus all along, but never got large enough to see.  However the RE thinks very strongly that it wasn’t in my uterus because my lining was thin.  For an intrauterine pregnancy, even early on, my lining should have been between 15-20.  It was only around 7.  So all the symptoms put together led all of us to believe it was tubal.

The beta had dropped. They decided to retest my beta in 3 days rather than give me methotrexate immediately, to see if it will drop completely on it’s own. This was good news to me, because you can’t drink with methotrexate. I really wanted a drink (or 10) at that point.

We discussed why this is happening. He thinks I may have a tube defect. We have to wait 2 cycles, and then we will do an HSG to see what’s going on. I never had an HSG because my STD screening was negative, they said that was a better predictor of scar tissue in the tubes than the HSG. Plus we got the SA results at the same time, and since that was clearly an issue, we stopped at that dx.

I want to have the HSG done, I really want to know what’s going on.

I thought the 3 year infertiliy struggle was hard. I thought having an ectopic pregnancy after that struggle was hard and unfair. I cannot even compare that to how I feel now. I was definitely not prepared to go through this again. This is affecting me much much harder than it did last time. I can’t even explain how devastated I am. I am on the verge of tears/crying every half hour.

It is so fvcking unfair that after all this we still can’t catch a break.

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This is not fair :(

I started having pain last night. It got pretty bad, to the point, that I could not sleep. I decided to go to RE’s office this morning when they opened. They got me in immediately for an u/s and another beta.

I will give full details later, but it was confirmed to be ectopic today. Another ectopic pregnancy!

I feel so heartbroken and hopeless and I can’t stop crying 😦

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I was so nervous this morning on the way to the RE. I almost broke out in tears multiple times. We get to the office, I have the beta blood draw while Eric is waiting in the waiting room. On my way out to sit with him to wait, the nurse says “Oh we will get you in a room right now!”. Perfect! I grab E and we head to “the room.”. The nurse tells me “we have you in the room with the best ultrasound machine!”. Yay! She then says the RE isn’t here yet, so when she gets here, I’ll come tell you so you can get undressed then. Ok fine. 5 minutes later she gives us the word, I get undressed, and the RE walks in before I’m even covered with the sheet. Geez!!!

She asks about my ectopic last time, and is happy I have no ectopic symptoms this time. In goes the dildo cam. I’m looking at her face which is utter confusion and then she says “Okay”.

NOTHING! No gestational sac, nothing! I freak out!! Then she says “well, based on your betas, your level should only be about 1000-1200, and this ultrasound machine can only see it above 1500.”. I’m thinking why the Eff am I here then? What a waste of time if it’s too early!!

So bottom line is, it may be ectopic, I may have miscarried, or it may just be too early. Blah!!!! Still no aswers!

Then they called with my beta-1178. Right on track for doubling every 2-3 days! Yay for that!! I go back on Monday for another beta and another ultrasound.

Please oh please oh please let us see something next time!!!

6w0d today.

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This is my FRER from this morning, and that line is looking darker! My hcg level should be around 600 today. Countdown to the ultrasound=3 whole days! Gah! I need to occupy myself!! Happy Easter everyone!

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