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Archive for February, 2010

Silly me!  I actually thought I would knocked up this cycle without an IUI.  I **thought** I ovulated on Feb 4, since I had O pain and EWCM that day (I’m not charting right now), well that would have been 18 days ago.  No AF yet.  Apparently I was wrong, my LP is always 12 days, so apparently I was way off on my O date.  Damn Hope!!! Leave me alone already!!! Looks like cycle 40 is around the corner 😦

BFFN!!

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I’m a bad blogger :(

….like a really bad blogger.  I don’t know why.  I’m just not feeling it lately.  I feel like I don’t have anything to talk about.  I’m working, I’m working out, I’m dieting, I’m not charting, I’m not obsessing over my ovulation and cycle days, I’m not pregnant.  I’m drinking a glass of wine every night, I’m not taking PNVs (oops), I’m reading lots of books, I’m playing with my new iPhone (yay!), I’m playing mindless, pointless facebook games. 

On top of all the blogging I’m not doing, I’m not really keeping up on anyone else’s blogs either.  I’m sorry.  I’ll get back into everything again, but I think the break is good for now. 

I still carry around moments of bitterness.  The biggest thing I am struggling with right now, is the pregnancy of my niece.  She is 21.  She is engaged.  Some of you will remember, that in June she lost her baby at 22 weeks due to cervical incompetence.  I was named the Godmother, and that day, holding my 1 pound Godson, was probably the hardest moment and most emotional thing I’ve ever gone through.  I went through a lot of bitterness when her pregnancy was first announced and for it to end that way was just gut-wrenching.  I felt so guilty for how bitter I felt about her pregnancy and I just felt like a complete horrible bitch when the pregnacy ended.  She is pregnant again, she had a cerclage recently to prevent what happened last time.  She is having a boy, she is due August 2.  I’m ok with her pregnancy now (its still hard to deal with) but geeeeeezzz, if she doesn’t stop posting cute little happy pregnancy related posts on her Facebook page, I might have to block her.  Its driving me crazy.  Everyday its something like “is praying that my baby boys stays put until August 2” “can’t wait to meet my son” “God is good, and he has faith in me and my baby, and he will bring my baby into the world” “I’m so happy my angel baby is looking out for my pregnancy” “I keep feeling the baby and I can’t stop touching my stomach” “I love my baby so much, can’t wait to meet him” “please everyone keep praying that my baby stays healthy”  and on and on and on and on…

Somebody please tell me I’m not a bitch, because I really feel like one everytime I get annoyed with her posts.  It just seems like I have enough reminders of the one thing I want and can’t achieve, I don’t need any more. 

She went through a lot, she’s lucky that her current pregnancy is going so well.  I’m probably going to Hell for being so annoyed and bitter about it.  Vent over.

We will be the Godparents to this child also.  We were recently asked to be the Godparents of my brother’s 2 children also.  Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  Always a Godmother, never a Mother?  Geez, I hope not!

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Finding the words

I feel so distant from everything lately.  Not really sure why.  A lot of last year was spent waiting and hoping and crying and feeling despair.  In my heart I really wanted to get pregnant before we reached the 3 year mark, and I was “thisclose” to that happening.  The entire ectopic pregnancy and all the feelings surrounding that was one of the worst things I have ever gone through.  There were months where I spent my nights crying and my days being bitter and angry.  And I lost who I was, and what I enjoyed, and what I wanted out of my life, and I looked in the mirror and didn’t know who I was looking at anymore. 

I feel like I am reconnecting with myself lately.  My new job is much less stressful and less time consuming.  It is closer to home and my hours are a little different, so I have a lot more alone time now.  Frankly I haven’t thought about my blog or my IF boards in awhile and I’ve just sort of stepped back into my own little world.  I’ve been reading a lot lately and cooking and spending a lot more time with my husband.  And I’m enjoying myself.  My husband put it perfectly when he said that I’m not looking for an outlet anymore.  I guess that’s the right description. 

I’m having a hard time describing how I’m feeling lately.  I feel much less bitter about the path we’re on.  I feel content with where we are now.  I feel like a baby is still all I want in the whole world, but I realize I can’t get exactly WHAT I want, WHEN I  want it.  I feel like I can actually have a conversation without my mind being absorbed by infertility.  I feel like I have accepted every bump and twist in the road and I’m ok with it…..until I start to talk about it and my stomach lurches and my heart beats fast and my eyes well up with tears.  So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m doing very well and I’ve accepted what we’ve been handed……until I have to talk about it.  It’s still just too emotional to let out.

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