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Archive for December, 2009

Christmas has passed

Christmas has passed, and its behind us.  Leaving us ready and looking forward to 2010.  I was dreading Christmas, especially as it got closer, because I wanted to announce a pregnancy this year……so bad.  I didn’t.  It’s not our time yet, apparently.  It’s hard to understand why it’s not our time.  There are so many events and emotions that I have a hard time wrapping my head around.  I think I’m trying to understand something that I simply cannot understand. I’m not sure I was meant to.  

It’s almost 2010.  Unbelievable.  January marks our 3 year TTC anniversary.  How in the world did it take this long? How are we still trying?  I know it’s a repetitive statement made by so many people dealing with infertility, but I never imagined we would be on this long road, and still not be at the destination.  I guess I might not have been more prepared even if I had known.  Who knows?

On a side note, my body seems pretty jacked up this cycle.  I’m not sure if  stress, tons of caffeine, or lots of alcohol have anything to do with it.  But my temps seem whacked out.  Once my hcg level hit 0, AF showed up within like 2 days.  But things seem to be a little off this cycle.  I’m sure that’s normal.  We need to go through one more full cycle before trying again.  That gives me time to lose some holiday pounds. 

Happy New Year! (2009, you sucked!)

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It’s been a year

Our MFI diagnosis was made a year ago.  As much as I am so sad about our ectopic pregnancy, I gave myself a little reality check today.  Literally a year ago, our diagnosis was so bad that IVF was our only option to get pregnant.  In one year (though it has felt very long) our numbers have improved immensely.  A year ago the sperm count was approximatlely 1 million and as of 2 months ago at our IUI it was 62 million.  I cannot even thank God enough for that enormous improvement.  I am so happy about the positive changes we have made in our lives that have led to this improvement.  We went from IVF being the only option to actually getting pregnant with an IUI, an IUI that I will remind you has a 12 % success rate. 

Its hard to separate all the facts from each other.  I find myself lumping all the sadness together and I don’t think that’s completely fair.  Yes we have been trying for almost 3 years.  Yes IVF is still our best option based on the high success rate.  Yes the IUI worked and then sadly resulted in an ectopic pregnancy.  It’s very hard to not put all that together and be sad about all of it.  Knowing that the IUI has such a low success rate and that that’s all we can afford right now is rather discouraging.  We’re infertile, the next IUI may not work, the one after that may not work either, it might be ectopic again….. blah blah blah

We have made some great improvements in our diagnosis, to the point where we are borderline MFI now.  That is great!  His sperm actually fertilized my egg!  Wonderful!  The sperm count may just keep increasing if things go the way they’re supposed to!  Awesome!

I’m done (for now) being sad about all this crap combined together.  I’m happy with where we are today.  What a difference a year makes.

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Wow, that was fast!

So AF showed up quickly!  I really didn’t think it would happen that fast!  Beta went to zero and within 2 days, bam, AF showed up.  So this cycle is a forced break due to the methotrexate injection.  That is probably a good idea, I could use the break to enjoy the holidays and drink and get some good running/jogging in. 

 I’ll start temping again to make sure I O this cycle, I’m pretty sure I will, but if not, I won’t worry too much.  My body is going through so much, I’m sure it will be a little cracked out for awhile.  At least my body is being normal, and is doing what its supposed to do. 

On a side note.  I made my way to Mel’s Lost and Found yesterday.  I was so shocked to have made her little list.  But I felt so loved and supported to see how many people came over from her link, and some even left supportive comments for me.  I appreciate it and it made me feel all warm and bubbly inside 🙂

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It’s all over

Beta is at zero, as of this morning.  While I am relieved to be moving forward, I am so sad at the same time.  It’s just not fair that this happened.  I can’t believe it ended this way.  I can’t believe its over.

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My FIL has been sober for almost 30 years.  He is one of the old-timers in AA.  Tonight him and my MIL spoke at a local AA meeting.  Eric and I went to support.  It was the first time I had heard my FIL’s story.  Along with that I listened to all the emotions his wife went through.  I loved listening to their story and especially to see how far they’ve come.  It is so interesting to hear what other people have been through.  To hear my FIL talk about the scariest and worst day of his life.  It was just insightful.  I definitely took some things away from the meeting.  My MIL talked about how she was always trying to fix things, she was a fixer, and how she had to start doing things for herself and accept things.  Of course the Serenity prayer is always insightful.  “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change that things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” 

I am on this painful infertile journey.  There is nothing I can do about it, I’m on it, and I’m deep in the middle of the forest.  I’m here, there’s no turning back.  I need to just accept this road for what it is.  At this point, I can’t change it, I can’t fix it.  I can’t take away all the time and heartache I’ve put into this journey and into this incredibly bumpy road.  I can’t change the fact that this pregnancy ended in an ectopic pregnancy, I can’t get back all the time and all the pee sticks, and all the money we’ve put in so far.  I need to accept it.  In fighting this road, and being angry at every bump we hit, I’ve lost myself.  Some days I feel like I have no idea who I am anymore.  I am constantly trying to fix this road and look fora detour.  There’s not one.  There’s just not.  I have become so consumed with the destination, that I’ve taken zero time for myself and me, my heart, my soul, has gotten lost. 

That’s what I took away from the speeches I heard tonight.  I can’t change the things that have happened, or fix the bumpy road.  I can only ride it.  But right now I’m driving down the road, with horrible road rage, sobbing tears, a broken heart, a hopeful mind, an obsessed brain, and a very very very bitter girl deep inside.  And all of that rolled up together is simply a disaster waiting to happen.  So what can I do? I can accept the things I cannot change.  I can have courage to change the things that I can.  And I can be wise and understand that some things you can change, and some things you can’t.

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So my birthday was 10/28.  For MONTHS, when I’m at work, I happened to look at the clock at 10:28.  I’m not exaggerating!  Every day!  Every day I happened to glance at the clock at 10:28.  At first I thought it was funny, like hahaha, that’s my birthday!  After a little while of this happening every.single.day., I started pointing it out to co-workers and everyone, including me, thinks its a little wierd.  Well around September-ish, I started to think that maybe it was a little sign I was getting.  Like it meant something.  Being the hopeful IFer that I am, I thought “Oooooh maybe I’ll get a BFP on my birthday, 10/28!!”  Of course that’s what it means!  Well close.  I got my doubling beta number on 10/28, so I thought, wow!!! It really was a sign. 

Well now its been a month and this whole 1028 thing is still going on.  Seriously wierd, I know!  I was with my mom, shopping, and she asks me what time it is.  I open my phone-yep 10:28.  I switched clinics at work this week where we now have non-digital clocks, so I figured Yay, no more 1028 since I probably won’t really see the big hand as closely.  Well let me tell you everyday I still encountered this 1028 thing. 

Monday, I get a phone call from a patient wanting to reschedule.  I head to phone, which of course displays the time, yep 1028.

Tuesday, I’m stretching a patient’s shoulder.  I ask her if she wants ice before she leaves.  She pulls her phone out of her pocket to check the time and she says “it’s 10:28, yep I have time for ice.”

Wednesday, I’m heading to the front office to use the restroom.  I step out of the way to let a patient walk through and find myself facing the time-clock.  It’s 10:28.

Thursday, I decided to send Eric a text to see how his day is going’ since I had some down time.  Open my phone, 10:28. 

Today, we’re out shopping and we come home.  He has stuff “cooking” on his FB Cafe World.  As we walk in the door, he says “Ooooh what time is it, I have stuff cooking?”  You guessed it, 10:28!

So I’m wondering if this is just super coicindental or if it means something.  If we get pregnant aroundFebruary, my due date would be October/November.  So maybe this isn’t about my birthday, but literally a birth day.  I don’t know, but it is just wierd!

What do you think?

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I feel like I don’t have much to say.  I’m sorry my blog took a nosedive recently.  We haven’t decorated our house yet 😦  It will be done this weekend though.  I have a baby shower to go to on Sunday, and I really don’t want to go.  It’s for a friend at work, though we’re friends outside of work too.  She knows my whole story, and while she is supportive with the “trying” part of story, she’s not so supportive with the heartache side of things.  I just think she doesn’t get it.  I think if you haven’t experienced IF, you just don’t get it.  Not that she’s a bad person, but I think its just hard for her grasp.  Anyway, I’m not really up to talking about all things baby. 

When I found out I was pregnant, I pretty much started eating whatever I wanted.  I gained like 5 pounds in the last 2 months, and I’m sure the Clomid didn’t help either (even if the Clomid had nothing to do with my weight gain, I prefer to think that it did).  So I’ve decided to cut back on calories and I’m back to working out at least 3 days a week.  I need to drop some lbs before January/February when we get this show on the road again.  That should keep me occupied for awhile.

We have decided to host Christmas Eve dinner at our house, so that will keep me busy too.  I’m enjoying lots of coffee and lots of wine.  And I’m loving it!

Our schedule for this month included a party on the 8th, party on the 12th, party on the 18th, party on the 19th, party on the 20th, dinner at our house on the 24th, the whole day at my parent’s on Christmas, and New Years is undecided. 

Lots of parties, lots of wine to make me happy! 

Monday, the 7th is the (hopefully) the final beta draw.  I hope AF shows up really soon after the beta is at 0.  I kind of want this to just be over already.

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