Archive for November, 2009

Yet another beta

I’m getting tired of having my blood drawn.  My beta today was 19.  13 days after the Methotrexate injection, my hcg has gone from 200 to 19.  I go back again next Monday, 7 days away, for hopefully the final blood draw.  How ironic that my very first beta was 19, and how excited I was that it was at a pregnant level.  Now all I do is picture my little baby-that-could-have-been shrinking, and that number, 19, breaks my heart.  I still have my tube, I need to focus on that.


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On October 26, I found out our IUI worked.  Of course, I counted how long it would be before we would see a heartbeat and I knew it would be before Thanksgiving.  I told Eric so many times that we would have something to be extra thankful for this year.  Rather than feeling thankful for the good things in my life, I can’t stop thinking about our pregnancy loss, and how mad I am that I don’t have a little one to be thankful for. 

I went for a beta today (again!) and its at 35.  I have to go back on Monday to have it repeated.  They need to follow it down until it reaches less than 5.  I know it sounds wierd, but I am soooo sad that its going down.  I know its supposed to be going down and I should be happy that the Methotrexate worked, so I don’t need surgery and I keep my tube in good shape.  But everytime I hear the newest number, my heart drops a little.  Maybe its denial, but it makes me sad thinking that my little precious gift is dying.  I probably should think about it in another way.  But that’s what it feels like.  It feels like my body did the wrong thing and I had to take an injection to kill my little embryo.  I hate this!

I left the RE’s office today after the beta and broke into tears immediately.  I don’t know why.  I’ve probably been holding my emotions back a little too much.  The receptionist went through an ectopic pregnancy before and she has been very concerned about me.  She is super sweet, as is the head nurse there.  The receptionist was talking to me and making sure I was doing okay.  She asked if we were going to try again.  Somewhere between her asking me that and her wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving, my heart broke and my eyes were welling up.  Don’t know why, don’t really care either.  I’m sure she didn’t really care that I was crying in her face. 

I left the office and loudly bumped old school tunes all the way to work.  Somehow I felt better by the time I got to work.  Speaking of work, I found out this week that I’m relocating to another clinic of ours.  I love the new clinic and what is even more exciting is that I won’t have to see all the pg girls anymore.  I love all the girls I work with, especially the pg ones, but I really need an emotional break, and this is perfect. 

So back to Thanksgiving.  My heart is broken for my embryo that could have been.  However I NEED to realize that are great aspects to my life and there are many things for me to be thankful for. 

I am thankful for

-the amazing love my husband shows me daily, and our beautiful marriage

-the health of my parents and in-laws

-the health of my wonderful dogs (my kids) that keep me going and love me everyday

-the fact that Eric and I are both employed

-that we have a wonderful home

-that Eric and I have shared SO MANY moments this year, and gained MANY memories

-since this is an infertility blog-I am thankful for the gains we have made this past year.  Less than a year ago the sperm count was 1 million and as of last month it is up to 62 million. And one of those little guys actually fertilized one of my eggs!!

-I am thankful for the appreciation I have for the gift of life.  Not many people know what this longing is like.  We are on one heck of a bumpy road, but our marriage is stronger because of it.  I am thankful for all the great girls I have met because of this struggle.  I can’t imagine being on this road without all of you.  The support and friendship is appreciated, and I am thankful to have you on our journey.


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It seems that “sad” sums up how I feel the best.  I am sad.  I am sad that I’m not pregnant anymore, that I won’t be announcing it at Christmastime to my family, that I’m not counting the gestation weeks anymore, that my little precious embryo didn’t make it to the right place.  The whole thing just breaks my heart. 

There are so many times during the day that I almost break out in tears.  Working with 3 pregnant women doesn’t really help my sadness.  I know my life and my unpregnant self has nothing to do with their lives and their pregnancies.  However its SO HARD to see their ever-growing bellies, and know that I needed Methotrexate and because my pregnancy implanted in the wrong place, my little embryo is getting smaller, not bigger.  I see them rub their bellies when their babies kick, and hear everyone ask them all day long when they’re due and what they’re having and blah blah blah….  I know I was only pregnant for 7 weeks, but I can’t stop thinking about my due date, July 5, 2010.  I feel like I’ll never think of that day the same again.  I wanted to have my little firecracker baby so bad, and I’m devastated that I won’t. 

I’m trying to find things to look forward to.  Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years.  Drinking for all these holidays make it all a little more tolerable. 

I’m sure this extreme sadness is normal, considering how much we’ve been through.  Everytime I start crying, I feel so dumb for crying.  And then I cry more because I feel dumb, its such a vicious cycle.  Some days are better than others, and today was just plain rough.

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Happy ICLW

Here we are at another month of ICLW!  Thank you for visiting my blog. 

After TTC on our own, unsuccessfully, for 35 cycles, we finally moved on to IUI #1.  We found out on October 26, that it worked!  We were thrilled to be finally expecting our little baby.  On Tuesday, November 17, the pregnancy was confirmed to be ectopic.  My beta on Nov 17 was very low at 200, and no heartbeat was found at 7w1d.  I was having a significant amount of pain and bleeding that day.  Since the beta was so low, they treated me with methotrexate.  The RE said I was not as risk of the tube rupturing, and the bleeding was coming from irritation in my tube.  They checked my hemoglobin to make sure it wasn’t low, and after 2 blood tests, it was confirmed that I was stable.  I went back to the RE on Friday, November 20, to have the beta repeated.  It had dropped to 52, so the Methotrexate is doing its job.  I go back again on Tuesday, November 24, for another recheck.  I’m sure I won’t need another injection.

It seems like I knew all along something wasn’t right.  However I hoped so badly that I was wrong.  I can’t believe that after all this time, and all the tears that have been shed already, that there are still more tears coming.  I am so heartbroken to have lost my pregnancy.  Knowing that it was just really bad luck that led to the ectopic pregnancy soothes my pain a little, but not alot.  There have been so many moments that I have questioned whether I will ever be a mother.  That question seemed to get answered, and my heart was skipping, knowing that I was wrong to ever doubt it.  I just feel so far away from being a mother, and I am terrified that it will never happen.  I know things just weren’t right this time.  I know that at the end of this, I will be a better person, and I’m sure we’ll have a better marriage.  I just wish this journey was a little less bumpy.   

I saw a quote on a friend’s blog recently.  It said

“In the end, everything will be okay.  If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

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My Update

Today was horrible! 

I’ll back up and give a full update.  2 days after my supposed miscarriage, the RE wanted me to come in for a beta to make sure it was going down.  Rather than decreasing, it had risen, almost doubled in 2 days.  I was beyond shocked!  They made me wait 2 weeks for an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday, Nov. 19.  The last 2 weeks have complete hell!  I have been spotting for the last 2 weeks, no real cramping, but the spotting has been driving me crazy.  I apologize for being secretive about this, but I really wanted to know what was going on before sharing everything.  Please forgive me 😦 

Today, 2 days before my scheduled ultrasound,  I started bleeding, red blood, not a lot, but there.  This was accompanied by significant stabbing cramping on my left side and right at my cervix.  I called the RE, they got me in immediately.  I was just waiting for him to tell me that he saw a heartbeat, instead I could tell he was searching in my uterus.  Then he said, “there is nothing in your uterus.”  I looked over at Eric and tried my hardest to hold back the tears.  They sent me for a beta, which was 200.  All signs led to ectopic pregnancy.  He said I had fluid in my abdomen, so they also checked my hemoglobin to make sure I wasn’t losing a significant amount of blood.  It appeared that ectopic pregnancy had not ruptured, so they treated me with methotrexate.  They sent me for another hemoglbin check to make sure that I wasn’t losing more blood.  My blood count is fine, so the methotrexate should be all that’s needed. 

He basically told us that we just had really bad luck.  I am really low risk for ectopic since I have no scarring.  This means that the embryo was just late with the implantation.  On top of that, the damn thing made its way all the way from the my right tube and implanted in my left tube.  Completely rare, unlucky, and not fair.  I’m not pregnant anymore.  And I’m so sad that this is happening.  What a few past couple weeks we’ve had.  This sucks! 

I go back on Friday to make sure the HCG is going down.  We have to hold off one month, then we’re moving on to IUI #2.


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I hate this!  I hate the waiting!  I just really want to see a heartbeat.  I am terrified that something is wrong.  Since 12 days ago when I thought I miscarried, I have been spotting.  It really hasn’t stopped.  Last night I thought it was gone, but it came back again this morning.  Last night when it stopped, I got this crazy deep cramping.  It felt like my cervix was being stabbed.  This morning that pain was gone, but the sp0tting is back. The spotting is not accompanied by cramping, so that’s good, but I wish it would go away already.  It seemed to have more of a reddish/brown color rather than just brown.  I got worried and took an FRER.  It still looks beautiful.  5 days to go!  Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock


Sorry its blurry, I took it with my phone

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Talk about a shocker!

On Wednesday, November 4, my RE’s office returned my call.  They said Dr. Fong wants to repeat your beta while you are bleeding (my period started Monday, November 2) to make sure it returns to 0.  They wanted to make sure it was at zero with bleeding, and if it was, we could begin our next IUI cycle immediately.  So I left work at lunch, went for the blood draw, and got a message a couple hours later.  I saw that they had called and left a message, but I didn’t really care what the beta was because Eric and I had decided to take a one month break anyway.  I let the message sit on my phone for like an hour before listening to it. 

When I listened to it, this is what it said “Your beta today was 72.5.  Your numbers are continuing to rise, even though you are experiencing bleeding.  Based on your last menstrual period, a heartbeat should be able to be detected in the week of the 16th.  We are scheduling you for an OB ultrasound on Thursday, November 19, to see what is going on in the uterus.” 

UMMMMMM WTF???!!!!  My last beta did almost nothing in 5 days and now this one almost doubles in 2 days???  I was soooo confused!  I called the RE’s office back immediately, and asked if they mixed up my blood with someone else! Obviously they didn’t.  She said sometimes the betas don’t do what they are supposed to, but then the patient comes in for an ultrasound and there is a heartbeat and perfectly healthy pregnancy.  I said, “OK I can understand that, but my beta did nothing AND  I started bleeding (thought it was just my period).  She said they never say that bleeding during pregnancy is normal, but it does happen.  She basically told me I just have to wait it out until the ultrasound. 

I am low risk for ectopic but that is a concern.  Low betas and slow rising betas are indicative of an ectopic pregnancy (I REALLY hope that’s not what it is).  The other option is that there may have been twins and one didn’t make it, which would explain the bleeding and the beta (I hope that’s the answer).  They did not want to repeat the beta, because the RE knows it has continued to rise.  She said there’s really nothing to do but wait until the Ultrasound to see what’s going on. 

I am still completely shocked!!!!  Literally I thought I miscarried!  My beta was bad, my period started, what else was I supposed to think? Now they’re telling me my numbers are progresssing are well and I’m still pregnant!  Holy Crap!!! How in the world did this happen?? I can’t believe what an emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on this week! 

Eric is very concerned about me.  The poor guy has been so incredibly awesome!!!  He saw me elated with my two pink lines, then crushed into the ground 5 days later, thinking I miscarried.  He is very concerned with my mental health and all of the emotions that are associated with this rollercoaster.  We had a huge discussion about everything, and we came to the conclusion that we will not test anymore, and we will just wait til the ultrasound.  He really really really wanted me to not update my blog with all of this until after November 19.  This blog is here for me to vent my feelings, and of course there are readers out there too.  I have decided to not make this post public until after the ultrasound.  I feel way too vulnerable right now and I don’t think its quite fair to take all of my readers on my emotional rollercoaster with me.  You all have your own up and down feelings you are dealing with.  Please understand, and know that I am so thankful, from the bottom of my heart, for all the great thoughts and prayers you have passed to me.  This blog has been a life-saver! So again, thank you!!

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