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Archive for July, 2009

68%

That is the percentage of readers that did my poll and voted that “pregnancy is right around the corner for you.”  32% voted that an IUI will be necessary.  Nobody voted that IVF would be necessary.  I hope you 68% are right!  In 5 days we will know if we are moving onto lucky #33. 

I asked Eric this morning if he would think I was wierd for looking up fertility feng shui.  About 5 years ago his mom went all Feng Shui, and he thought she was crazy.  So before I started looking stuff up, I thought I would ask him his opinion.  He responded “Maybe a year ago, I would have thought you were crazy, but “feng shui” this place up baby!”  hahahaha how’s that for support?  Did I mention, I love him!?

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Where to begin??  It would be easy to force you to read my “TTC journey” tab up there, but I think this is a little more personal.  So here goes…

We started TTC in January 2007.  We were married in May 2006 and initially talked about TTC right away, but held off a little, for who knows what reason.  Of course I thought we would get pregnant immediately.  Boy was I wrong!  After 4 months of no luck, I turned to OPKs to make sure I was ovulating and to try to time correctly.  It looked like things were great in OPK land.  In January 2008 I started charting.   I saw my OB a short while later who told me “It takes time.  Have intercourse from day 10-20 every other day of your cycle.”  So we did.  He said if no luck after 18 months, then we’ll investigate.  18 months later I end up in his office, heartbroken and scared that we are getting nowhere.  He tells me “It just takes time.”  Nice!!! UGH!!!  We got some insurance obstacles figured out and made an appt with an RE in November 2008.  At that point we got the dreaded diagnosis of severe MFI.  Volume-1 mL, count-1 million, Morphology-1%, Motility-4%.  A horrible diagnosis and a huge kick in the gut to my husband.  She suggested IVF w/ICSI, however since my husband was in the process of losing weight and making some lifestyle changes, she suggested retesting in 90 days to see what happened.  In April 2009 we retested to get fabulous news!  Volume-3 mL, Count-33 million, Motility-56%, and morphology-25%.  She thought that with the continued weight loss and supplements that the count would continue to improve, since that was the only issue now, and we should get pregnant on our own within 6 months.  We are currently on cycle 4 of 6, with no luck so far.  We are saving for an IUI to do at the end of the year, if needed. 

On another note, we are in the TWW right now.  I hate the hope that I feel sometimes, I cannot stop thinking to myself, that I just FEEL with my heart and soul that this is it.  However I can’t say how many times I felt like that in the last 2.5 years.  So here we are, on cycle 32 of TTC.  Sometimes I cry about how painful this whole thing has been, sometimes I get angry when I see other pregnant women, sometimes I feel grateful for realizing how precious the gift of life is, when I realize so many other people take it for granted.  All in all, its been an emotional rollercoaster, and I can’t wait for the ride to end already.

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:::fingers crossed:::

We are hoping for a lucky cycle #32!  32 is Eric’s lucky/favorite number.  The funny thing is that 33 is mine!  So we have lucky month 32 and 33, then a Hail Mary, and then IF nothing by then, IUI.  I’m making peace with the fact that IUI will most likely be necessary.  I ordered supplies today, seeing as how this is CD2.  I think “somone” out there is telling me not to give up hope.  My luteal phase was 1 whole day longer than normal last month, and I also spotted for 2 days before FP ever showed up.  I was really going crazy for a couple days, but my temp plunged majorly so I knew the cycle was a bust.  I’m okay, after this month, we will have almost enough saved for the IUI.  So I’m okay waiting for the IUI.  I have realized that I need to accept all of this.  The anger and depression isn’t helping any of us.  Of course it sucks!  The whole thing sucks!  IF sucks!  Waiting and wanting a baby for almost 3 years sucks!  But being mad and angry about how bad it sucks is ruining my life.  I refuse for infertility to ruin my life.

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I am a Godmother

to my dear sweet boy, Brandon, in Heaven.  The funeral will be soon, my niece asked us on Saturday if we would be the Godparents.  We were so honored to have been chosen.  I have to admit, I cried when she asked us.  I took the opportunity to spill my guts to her about our IF.  Since pregnancy loss falls under the IF umbrella, I thought maybe it would be nice for her to know someone else is hurting. 

I pulled her aside, so just the two of us were alone.  I started by telling her how sorry I was that she was going through everything she is.  I was crying almost instantly.  She gently reached out and held my hand while I told her our story.  I have never been pregnant or felt a baby kick inside me, but I know how painful it is to not have that.  I read her the promegranate common thread explanation, and she felt all the pain and anger that I have felt for two and half years now.  I made her, her own common thread bracelet.  I added the baby’s initial as well as 2 angels on it as well.  She was touched.  We definitely bonded through the tears, the fear, the hope, and the sadness.  She keeps asking why she lost the baby?  She feels sad, depressed, hopeless, scared that she will never have a family, and empty.  We talked for so so long.  I had kind of an epiphany this weekend.  I almost feel like God knew this was going to be something she would struggle with.  I wonder if He knew she would someone to turn to.  I know that right now I’m the only one who really knows all the emotions she is feeling.  Maybe I am on this IF journey for her.  At least thinking that way makes me feel A LOT less sorry for myself.  And huge part of my heart really believes that.

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My MIL is in town to help out with our niece that lost her baby recently.  Her pregnancy loss is the main topic of conversation lately.  An update on her-she is doing okay.  She is still coping and having a little bit of a hard of time, of course.  We will see her today.  Some time in the next week, I will be sharing our IF struggle with her, as well as giving her a pregnancy loss bracelet.  I’m not saying that I have any idea what she has been through, as I have never been pregnant, but I think my personal struggle with help her realize she is not alone with this. 

So we have been talking about infertility and miscarriages and pregnancy loss lately, and my MIL informed us of some interesting history we were not aware of.  Basically all my FIL’s aunts and uncles were not able to conceive.  On top of that my FIL was from a family of 6 kids, and only 2 of them were able to conceive.  That is crazy!  We found it really interesting that there is a family history of infertility.  My SIL lost 2 pregnancies due to incompetent cervix, and now her daughter has lost one.  How sad…..

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