Archive for April, 2009

2nd SA results are in

And the news is great!! I really, really, really can’t believe it!  So we saw the RE this morning.  We went from a count of 1 mil/mL to 11 mil/mL.  Since the last volume was only 1 mL, and now its 3mL, that means the count basically went from 1 mil to 33 mil.  Ummmmm that is FANTASTIC!  The Motility went from 4% to 56%, with the rapid progressing motility at 26% which is NORMAL.  And the morphology went from 1% to normal!!!!  So the only thing we are dealing with is a slightly low count.  Basically we barely have MFI anymore.  So our diagnosis went from severe MFI to almost no MFI. 

I was thrilled beyond belief.  I was crying tears of joy in her office today.  Eric and I are so extremely happy to be at this point now.  She said we basically don’t need to see her anymore.  She told us with the SA how it is, we should be able to get pregnant on our own in the next 6mos and if after that time, we really want to, we could do an IUI.  I’m all for saving the money and trying our own.  I would love to see that 2nd pink line before the 36 month mark.  We are at 29 now, so it  is totally feasible.  OMG!  I can’t believe this!  Thank you God!!


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“Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive “advice.” We can all list the most popular ones: “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant,” or “Adopt and you’ll get pregnant.” Of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan, “Maybe God never meant for you to have children.” The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

“These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because I am infertile, I’m supposed to get on with my life. It’s hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment.

What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die.” What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God’s plan?What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That’s not my destiny; that’s just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I’m a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known.Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say, “Don’t tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know.”

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I got this email today.  This is a small excerpt from a sermon about IF.  The entire sermon was extremely moving, and even brought me to tears.  I just HAD to share this portion.  It was moving and I feel like God really needed me to read this.


Sometimes God gives us what we desire.  Hannah did not get pregnant in the ordinary way.  There was supernatural intervention.  God remembered her.  And God will remember you.  He will always remember you.  That’s who he is.  Someone who constantly has us, his loved ones, in mind.  He doesn’t always ‘remember’ you in the way you think you want him to, but he will indeed remember you some how.  It could be in a very different way.  He could have a unique method of showing you he has not forgotten you.  But even so, that can be hard to swallow.  If there is a desire in your heart so deep that God just doesn’t seem to be fulfilling, these words are of little comfort to you right now.  And I’m sorry.  But please.  Just leave the door open a teeny bit for God to come in and heal your heart in some way to some extent. 


When God doesn’t choose to intervene and give us what we want does it mean he loves us any less?  NO.  It means that we live in a fallen, imperfect world.  And for some reason, which may remain unknown, he’s not giving you the particular miracle you’re asking for.  We learn from Hannah and from others in scripture that we can indeed overcome despair and difficulty.  And sometimes we can even have our problem resolved in the way we want it to be.  And when he answers in a different way, it’s ok to feel disappointed.  It’s human.  It’s honest.  Tell God about your true feelings.  Perhaps your honesty will eventually lead you to a place where God will help you be able to accept His answer. 

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We see the RE at 9 am tomorrow.  I’m gripped with anticipation.  Please, God, please let us get better news than the last SA.  Please tell me everything we have done has worked and helped.  God, please push us one step closer to our baby.  Our unconceived child is sure late for his own party, but boy will he make an entrance!  How’s that for hope and optimism?

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Today was so rough, I’m not going to lie.  Even right now, typing, I am grabbing kleenex.  I cannot even count the number of times I have cried today, and frankly I don’t want to, it may depress me even more.  I am trying so hard to be hopeful and optimistic, and I am failing miserably!  I don’t know why, but today it just hit me like a ton of bricks!  I am totally afraid that I will never be pregnant.  I am scared to death that I will never see a positive HPT, or get to announce to Eric that he’s going to be a father, or call my mom with our good news, or have an Ultrasound and cry over seeing the heartbeat, or call all my friends and family to announce the birth of our child.  I am scared.  I am terrified.  I wish there was a “I don’t want children” switch I could turn off in my brain.  At least it would be a hell of a lot easier to get through the day.

In the 29 cycles we’ve been trying I can honestly say I have never felt this bad.  This totally blows!

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Oh well, I tried :(

The RE’s office would not give me the SA results.  Dammit!!!! I was so nice and polite and everything.  She said “I’m sorry but you have to see the Dr.”  Literally no other information than that!  I would have felt good if she said “It is our policy that the Dr. look at the results first, but she isn’t here….”  or “Your results are not in yet” but nope!  Just have to wait for Friday to see the Dr.  I’m happy I have a busy week ahead of me or I would go insane waiting for Friday.  I guess I’ve waited 2 1/2 years to get here, what’s one more week.

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And now we wait

The 2nd SA has been completed.  They said it would take 2 days for results.  You can bet your asss I will be at the RE’s office on Friday waiting for them to hand me the results.  And they better do it!  They really had better not make me wait until the 24th!!!! They have no idea what an angry-infertile-just-started-my-29th-cycle-TTC-girl could do!!!!!

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