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Archive for March, 2009

I’m speechless

Cycle 28 has begun.  I actually went back and counted to see what cycle it was, because I started to lose count.  Well my extremely long cycle is over, at least I have that going for me.  Maybe I should stop counting, it just gets depressing.

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And I’m talking about this cycle.  It seems there may be some potential spotting going on.  Though I have not been hopeful that this really was a BFP cycle, I was realizing today that Eric’s birthday is Wednesday, which would be CD40.  And I was going to retest on day 40 if no FP by then.  I got kind of sad today when I realized I couldn’t tell him on his birthday that he would be a dad 😦 

I really don’t know why this cycle was so freaking long, just stress I suppose.  I’m really hoping the next cycle is back to normal. 

We went out with some friends on Saturday night, and really had a blast.  There was a downside though.  The entire day I was wondering why I was so late, and could this really be happening?  Immediately following those thoughts were the depression that I will never be pregnant and feeling sadness about how long this journey has been.  It was literally just ups and downs all day.  There was the hope that maybe this finally worked, followed the depression that we still have not crossed this IF bridge.  So back to our night out, apparenlty one of my friends noticed I was a little preoccupied.  She texted me the next day to say that she was worried about me and if I was okay.  Ugh, how sincere and caring.  I told her that I was just in a bad mood.  She was then worried that Eric and I were fighting.  Of course I responded, that No we were not.  She proceeds to ask Eric, through texting, if I’m okay.  OK seriously, I know you care, but relax.  The problem is I can’t tell her what’s going on.  I can barely write this without grabbing a box of Kleenex. 

Aside from that, Eric is not exactly thrilled that our IF issue is male.  He doesn’t want me to tell anyone, except the internet, of course 🙂 So its all beginning to SUCK! I’m completely sad that this huge issue in my life that is INFERTILITY is beginning to affect my life and other people are realizing it.  I feel like the world around me is growing smaller and I have no one to really talk to about this, except of course the internet.  Its been over 2 years now of constant thoughts of pregnancy and frankly I get sick of discussing the same old sad issue with Eric.  And I feel like I start to go crazy having the same conservation with my husband day in and day out.  And I hate to say this, but its harder to keep bringing it up to him, especially since its MFI we are dealing with, because I start to feel bad.

Anyway, I think I’ve rambled on long enough and my eyes are too misty to continue.  I’m going to bed….

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10 days late

Grrrrrrr! Okay body, are you listening? You are really starting to worry me! Why is this cycle so long? I don’t get it! Never, never,never have I had a cycle anywhere near this length.  And especially since last cycle was my shortest ever, this is starting to worry me.  Since I started temping after CD28 I will assume that its possible I O’d on CD28.  So having said that FP should show up around day 40.  If nothing in 2 more days, I will retest (though I’m sure a BFN is in my future).  And once I see that, I’m calling the doc.  Ugh, can we just get this cycle over with?!

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and still nothing.  Now its CD37.  Geez!  WTF is going on? Knowing my stupid crazy body, I probably O’d on day CD28!! I haven’t tested again and don’t really have an urge to.  We’ll see…….

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Today is CD35.

And of course-BFN!!!

The plan was to take a long-term break from charting, however this cycle has taught me that I need to know what is going on, so I’m back to charting.  I think it drove me crazy wondering what was going on, and totally gave me false hope.  I’m pulling the BBT and the chart back out. 

And, I’m going out for drinks!

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Today is CD33, and of course I still don’t know when I O’d.  I did start temping again, mainly to see if my temps were in the post-ovulatory range.  They were, they were definitely high.  So the plan is to wait until Friday, maybe Saturday, and if no period by then,  I will test.  I CANNOT believe that the one month I decide NOT to think about it, is the month that everything goes wacky and I end up obsessing probably even more than usual. 

On a side note, at work today, a patient asked me if I had children and I said “No”.  I answered completely politely, not wierd or angry or anything.  And her response was “Good! You’re so lucky not to have kids!” Ummmm, okay! I’m not sure “lucky” is what I consider myself.  I f she only knew!

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I’m trying to think in terms of weight loss and getting healthier and such, and of course I was expecting that would derail my pregnancy obsessions.  I don’t think its working too well though.  So here’s the deal.  I stopped charting last month, so I have absolutely no idea what’s going on.  My cycles are ALWAYS 26-28 days.  The longest cycle EVER was 28 days.  Today is CD30.  Hmmmm what should I do? Should I take a HPT? Should I figure I’m just stressed out and I O’d later than usual? Should I start temping again and see if I decode my body? I have ZERO symptoms of anything including AF showing up or a pg, so what gives?  I really don’t know what to do. The odds of a BFP are so slim that I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  What do you think???

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