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Archive for December, 2008

If you want to know…

We are now on cycle 25 of TTC.  Really? How long are we going to be doing this?  How many cycle #s will I post on this blog?  How many blank one-lined HPTs will I see before I see the real one?  How many more people will ask me when I am going to have a baby?  How much longer will I be heartbroken?

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Some people

just don’t know how lucky they are.  I always look at other people and think of things I wish I had about their life.  Maybe their weight, their car, their job, their paycheck.  Mostly I long for the fertility I see around me.  There are sooo many people who are just blessed with fertility, like most of the world.  And I guarantee they have absolutely no clue what its like to be infertile.  They have no idea how lucky they are and how much IF hurts.  I find myself realizing that the grass is always greener on the other side, and I think “What do other people not have that I do?  What do they think is lucky about me?”

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My beautiful house all lit up!

december-2008-018

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The great fudge debacle

One of my patients brought me peanut butter fudge today.  A fairly large tray, and it was phenomenal.  I ate probably 3 pieces then of course shared with my co-workers.  I left it open on my desk so everyone would feel free to eat it (that’s the sign at my work, if its open, its fair play).  I can in no way eat all that fudge and I don’t want to, because I would weigh like 300 pounds if I did.  Well then the word gets through the grapevine to me, that my boss is going around telling EVERYONE at work to eat my fudge, because if she sees it, she will EAT ALL OF IT, and she wants it gone within 10 minutes.  Ummmmm, you can’t just give away MY FUDGE!!! Biotch! So I pack it back up again and hide it in my desk.  By this time, it was like 1/2 gone, and I don’t care if people want to eat it, but I had only had like 3 pieces and I wanted to share some with Eric.  So I really didn’t want it to be ALL gone.  Next thing I know, my boss is basically calling me a scrooge for not sharing.  WTF??? She was handing out my present!  Ugh! She f-ing sucks!!!!!

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To tell or not to tell…

our family?  My family knows that we have been TTC for awhile.  I was pretty upset when my SIL got pregnant.  She announced her pg 8 months into our trying.  We had been TTC about the same length of time.  I totally and completely, whole-heartedly thought I would give my parents their first grandchild.  I was devastated when we hit the 8 month mark, and not just that, my brother beat me to the punch and got pg first-well his wife got pg 🙂  I had told my mom when I started charting and of course her answer ALWAYS IS “when you least expect it….”  Yeah! Mom! You got pg in your first month of trying.  You have no idea what it’s like to go through disappointment after disappointment each month!  This whole IF emotional roller coaster can kiss my ass!!!!! 

My month starts with the hope that AF WILL NOT show up.  Then it does and I’m sad that once again, I am not pregnant.  Once I’m over that and AF is done, then I obsess over my CM and my temp.  Checking CM 2-3 times a day, praying for EWCM.  Yay for me! I finally got it!  Honey, its time, I’m fertile!  Wait! I’m fertile today, but I may not ovulate for 2 more days, so let’s wait til tomorrow and make sure we land on O day.  Okay, we did it!  We had sex on the day I O’d and it’s confirmed with a great temp spike the next morning!  Yay! Yay! Yay!  We hit the nail on the head!  OMG maybe we really did it this month!  Then I wait for 12 days, continuing to completely obsess over my f-ing chart, hoping and praying and sometimes imagining a tri-phasic chart.  I look for symptoms of any kind, any sign of hope that is there.  Ooh my tummy felt funny suddenly today, my breasts hurts, wait! is that implantation spotting?  Is there creamy CM today?  ooh, ooh maybe it really worked this month!!  Then after rehearsing in my head how I would tell DH that I got a positive HPT if I actually took one, I convince myself that I am way over the top and No, there is no way it worked yet.  I bounce between hope that a pg has happened and reality that it didn’t happen.  Until the great AF shows up yet again, to make me cry and wonder IF THIS WILL EVER HAPPEN??

So when my mom tells me that I will pregnant when I least expect it, I feel like telling her that every minute of every day I am consumed with the thought of pregnancy.  The day will never happen that I will pg when I least expect it, but I am ALWAYS thinking about it.

The same is true for people who tell me to “quit trying” or “just relax”  REALLY?  Wow what a great answer! Thanks for the info!  I’ll have to try that!  By the way did i mention, “F YOU!”

So after that extremely long rant and vent, the question comes back to our family.  To tell or not to tell our dx?  Eric doesn’t really want the world to know that sperm is the reason we are not pg after 2 years.  However I feel the need to talk about everything.  And a small part of me wants to tell my (at times unsupportive) family that we have a real medical condition that is stopping us.  I feel like they need to know that relaxing and not trying is NOT our answer.  I haven’t decided yet, but I’m sooooo tired of answering the questions “Are you pregnant yet?” or “When are you guys going to have kids?”  Well here it is, all the answers, laid out!  “No, we are not pregnant”, “I have no idea if we will have kids.”

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No television?

How can I live? Well actually, I am surviving just fine.  Our TV (big screen) took a dump on Sunday.  Just in time for Sunday football, Eric was just thrilled!  Needless to say I had an angry husband Sunday.  We have been looking on craigs list for used ones, since right now we can’t afford to go throwing 2 grand away into a new TV.  We found one we totally love for only $300!!! And it’s only 2 years old.  We are picking it up tomorrow.  I kind of like the house all quiet without it on though.  We have one in our bedroom, so we can still watch some things and the news, but its nice and silent when we get home after work.  Love it! But I will love to have a TV back too 🙂

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Christmas photos

Eric and I took Christmas pictures today.  Hope you enjoy!

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