My life in 2011

2011 was the hardest year of my life. Not only were my emotions and my body challenged, but my faith and my relationships were tested. I made it to the other side and flipped 2011 the bird on my way out! As much as I was angry beyond belief, I know I am stronger and I can pull through. And I learned a bit about myself and my future in the meantime.

Here’s the 2011 recap

January-met the bravest, strongest little boy I have ever met. Baby Mason

February-purchased my favorite gadget, the ipad.

March-celebrate my husband’s 40th birthday with a kick ass surprise party!

April-
my best friend gets extremely sick.

My dog (my baby) is diagnosed with cancer.

May-
we celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary.

My sister graduated college.

June- we decide to move to Kansas City, MO.

July- my dad is hospitalized with “pneumonia”. My mom, brother, and sister become deathly afraid that he won’t get better.

August- my dog loses her battle with cancer.

We find out my dad was misdiagnosed with pneumonia. We fear for his life as he undergoes lung biopsy and ends up on a ventilator.

September- my dad loses his fight with severe pulmonary inflammatory disease.

We continue our IVF treatment.

October- We undergo IVF, and fail.

November-we pack up our lives and all our belongings and move 1500 miles away from what we’ve always known as “home”.

December- My sister books her wedding date for next year.

We realize we need to reevaluate our future and decide our next steps after FET.

There were some good things mixed in there, but unfortunately the gravity of the bad things were more than I’ve ever faced in my life. What a sick sick joke to lose my dog and exactly one month later go through the agony of losing my dad.

The holidays were hard. It’s so hard going on with life without my dad. Knowing that no new memories will ever be made with him. My dad won’t see my sister get married. He won’t see my nephew grow up and graduate high school or attend his games. He won’t ever meet my [future] children. There are so many memories we wanted to make with him.

If there’s one thing I learned this year, it’s that your life can take a sharp turn within a matter of seconds. So we will pick the pieces and move on with the memories we already hold and share them for comfort.

May 2012 be full of life, happiness, healthiness, and dreams come true for all of you!!! xoxo

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Adjusting to new life

Once Thanksgiving was over, life and reality set back in. We both started work on Monday the 28th. We stopped at Starbucks for a little “first day” treat. Yum!

I got to work around 7, my normal starting time. I was warmly welcomed! It was so nice! I soon found out that I get my own desk (score!) and they put a “Welcome” sign on it! So cute! The place I’m at is much larger and much nicer than my last facility. It’s funny because everyone there thought that the California facilities would be nicer. Ha!

My first week went very well! Very welcoming, very friendly, very sweet coworkers. Eric’s first week was about the same as mine.

It was good to get back into a normal routine. It’s funny though because after work, I have no chores really to do. We live in a one bedroom “apartment” so my to-do list is rather short. I started going to the gym again. I picked up my running schedule again, and I’ve been happy doing so. I’m hoping to get back to where I left off soon.

In the last week, we’ve watched the first season of Dexter. Wowsers! We’re addicted!!

Life is a bit different now. The heartaches of IVF feels like its behind me. I’m focusing on losing weight for the upcoming FET, getting healthier, and trying to get back to a better state, emotionally.

The reality of my dad being gone has really hit me hard lately. I find myself thinking of him and missing him very often. I’m sure that’s not going away anytime soon.

I’m hoping since I have more free time, that I’ll get back into reading. Since my dad was hospitalized in July, I really haven’t picked up a book.

Most of my goals for the year (like reading 30 books) were pushed to the back back back burner when he was hospitalized and after his death, and with our move, everything has been in kind of disarray.

I’m sure very soon, everything will fall back into place, as we continue to find our way here.

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Quotes on Infertility

Lately a lot of people have stumbled onto my blog after searching for “infertility quotes.”
I thought I would do my Infertility advocate duty and list some here. All of these are from Pinterest

Amen to the next one!

These next few really speak to me.  I’ve been silent about our IF struggle for so long.  So when I read that “lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter” …..it made me cry.

The last 2 are SO true.

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All moved in

We made it! People say moving is stressful. People are right.

We were very fortunate to get our move paid for by Eric’s company. They paid for movers, who also pack for you! Score! We were amazed with the great job they did! They arrived on Thursday morning at 8am. 3 men.
They did a quick walk-through and got to work. They laid down carpet and cardboard on all the floor and run-ways and padded the corners on walls.

And then they started packing. They packed up everything! Every dish, glass, utensil, shoe etc.
The living room

The kitchen

The dining room

By Friday late morning, these 3 men had our entire house packed and loaded onto the truck.

On Friday afternoon, Eric and I had all our personal items loaded into our car and we took our final picture in front of our house.

It was so hard for us to leave. We got engaged in front of that house. And as much as we knew we were making the right decision, it was still emotional.

We left and went to my mom’s house. We had dinner with our closest friends and family that night and had lots of hugs and tears.

We knew moving would be hard on us and that we’d miss all our friends. We really weren’t prepared for how hard it would be on our friends.

It was hard and we cried many times in those last few days.

On Saturday the 19th we hit the road for the start of our 3 day road trip.

We missed the Oklahoma signs

We arrived Monday afternoon at the same time our movers arrived. Perfect!

They loaded most our things into storage and the remainder went into my IL’s basement, which will be our “home” until we find a house. We are waiting until Spring to move.

So far things have been good. Eric and I transferred with our jobs, so we both start on Monday.

Things are very different, but hopefully this change will be bring great things our way!

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Tomorrow

Tomorrow I’m turning 30.  I wish I could say I was looking forward to my birthday.  I know there are a lot of infertile women or fertile women that don’t have children until well into their 30s.  While the age isn’t necessary the issue, the date, just brings a lot of realization that we’re still on this damn journey.

2 years ago, to the date, I found out I was pregnant for the first time.  For some reason my birthday always reminds me of that day.  It was hard on me to lose that pregnancy and find out it was ectopic.  Throughout our IVF journey, I knew that *when* it worked, we’d know for sure and have ultrasound confirmation by my birthday.  I was really looking forward to being pregnant on my birthday.

The fact is that we started trying when I was 25.  I literally thought that our family would be complete by the time I was 30.  Silly silly me.  The joke was on me, for sure.  Because 5 years later, we’re still exactly where we started, but I’m much more emotional, and kind of a wreck sometimes.  I go over in my head repeatedly, all the great things I have to look forward to, and how much fun I’ll have on my birthday.  All I really want is to be a mom.  And no amount of alcohol, fun nights, or parties, can replace that longing.  The emptiness I feel, especially after this failed cycle, is so deep.

I try my hardest not to let it consume me, but I’m really drowning.  I wear a smile all day, and go about life like I’m so strong.  Almost as soon as I’m alone, the tears are flowing.  I’m sleeping horribly.  I wake up everynight in the middle of the night, and lay there for hours.  Most of the time I cry.  I go to work looking like a wreck.  I look at all the blessings in my life and thank God for everything I have.  And almost everytime I think about the happy things in my life, my mind wanders right back to the picture of my little embies.

From the moment I saw that picture, and held it, I fell in love.  Maybe that sounds stupid, but it’s real.  I fell in love with those tiny embryos, that little part of me, half of me.  And it crushes me that they didn’t become anything.  I don’t feel like I’ve ever been so heartbroken.

So for my birthday, I took the day off work.  I’m going to the day spa with my mom, and I’m getting an 80 minute massage.  We’re going to dinner and to a comedy club at night.  And on Saturday, I convinced Eric to take me to Disneyland.  So I’m heading to the Happiest Place on Earth, and hoping some of the “happy” wears off on me.

And may this year, the year that I turn 30, be MY year!

 

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Mad at myself

My RE emailed me today with recommendations for fertility centers in Missouri. I was very thankful he did that! Definitely a weight lifted off my shoulders, knowing we can find someone easily, that my Dr recommends.

I had asked him if my weight could be a factor that would affect our success with this IVF cycle and our upcoming FET. He wrote that losing 20 pounds would improve our success.

I started crying as soon as I read that. I’m so mad at myself for not being healthier and thinner going into this. I feel like I could have done more to improve our odds and success.

So our cycle went “perfectly” yet failed, and I know I could have done more to increase our chances. It really breaks my heart even more, and now I feel like I have no one to blame but myself.

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Living in the moment

I know it sounds dumb but I keep everything.  Something about seeing the progress of medications and what we’ve gone through….Our entire IVF cycle, I didn’t throw away any of the used up meds.  I kept it all.  Not sure why, but I knew I’d eventually sort it all out.  So here it is, my IVF trash

It was time to say goodbye.  I kept all the unused syringes and what progesterone and delestrogen I have left, to be used in the future.

Emotionally, I’m still having a tough time.  I hate that money is dictating our future, and unfortunately there’s not much I can do about it.  I had originally gone to counselling because I was having a hard time accepting that my life is not turning out the way I had envisioned it.  I know that my life may end up being “childless”, and if that’s the case, I need to be able to move on from the ties from infertility.  It’s a hard pill to swallow.

I decided that my counselor needed a visit from me.  Rather I needed her.  So I went this week, the same day of my WTF appointment.  I always feel better after talking to her.  It was a good day all in all.  I told her the same thing about being able to move on with my life.  She put the brakes on me pretty quick!  She said to try to think of my life in chapters.  We’re moving out of state next month, so in all honesty, we’re closing a chapter of our lives.  The FET will be the next chapter.  By thinking about living childless, I’m jumping ahead in the “book”.  I need to focus on the here and now.  The truth is, we have a plan, a back up plan.  We have frozen embryos that very well may become our take-home baby(ies).  So the chapter ahead of me is our move.  The next chapter is the FET.  So that’s what I’m focusing on.  One chapter at a time.  I don’t need to drown myself in negativity thoughts.

A little about the FET

I’ve gotten some comments about our future FET, and concerns over the number of embryos to transfer.  Yes the thought of triplets or even quads freaks me out beyond belief.  With our failed IVF cycle, my RE recommended transferring 3.  I was extremely nervous about it.  What if they all take??? The odds of one taking was 60%, two taking was 15%, and all three taking was 5%.  I wanted to transfer 2, Eric wanted to do all 3.  In the end, I made the decision to trust my doctor’s recommendation, and I knew if I only transferred 2 and none took, I would kick myself for it.  I’m happy I chose to do 3, because our cycle failed, and I would have felt horrible right now, knowing I could have given myself a better chance.

At our WTF appointment, we discussed the FET.  We have 2 good quality embryos, and 2 fair.  Since 3 didn’t work on our last cycle, which has a greater success rate than a frozen cycle, I would want to do 3.  That’s sort of my dilemma.  I want to transfer 3 again, so do I just leave the 4th frozen?  Save one final embryo?  With the success rate with FET being lower than a fresh cycle, and the odds of all 4 taking, being less 5%, our Dr recommended transferring all 4.  And that brings me back to this cycle, what if I had done less than my Dr recommended and gotten the same result? It just really sucks to go over it in my head over and over again.  I think in the end we’ll end up doing 3.  And honestly, it’s a lot for me to think about.  I just hope and pray that one takes and we get a take home baby next year.

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