Tomorrow

Tomorrow I’m turning 30.  I wish I could say I was looking forward to my birthday.  I know there are a lot of infertile women or fertile women that don’t have children until well into their 30s.  While the age isn’t necessary the issue, the date, just brings a lot of realization that we’re still on this damn journey.

2 years ago, to the date, I found out I was pregnant for the first time.  For some reason my birthday always reminds me of that day.  It was hard on me to lose that pregnancy and find out it was ectopic.  Throughout our IVF journey, I knew that *when* it worked, we’d know for sure and have ultrasound confirmation by my birthday.  I was really looking forward to being pregnant on my birthday.

The fact is that we started trying when I was 25.  I literally thought that our family would be complete by the time I was 30.  Silly silly me.  The joke was on me, for sure.  Because 5 years later, we’re still exactly where we started, but I’m much more emotional, and kind of a wreck sometimes.  I go over in my head repeatedly, all the great things I have to look forward to, and how much fun I’ll have on my birthday.  All I really want is to be a mom.  And no amount of alcohol, fun nights, or parties, can replace that longing.  The emptiness I feel, especially after this failed cycle, is so deep.

I try my hardest not to let it consume me, but I’m really drowning.  I wear a smile all day, and go about life like I’m so strong.  Almost as soon as I’m alone, the tears are flowing.  I’m sleeping horribly.  I wake up everynight in the middle of the night, and lay there for hours.  Most of the time I cry.  I go to work looking like a wreck.  I look at all the blessings in my life and thank God for everything I have.  And almost everytime I think about the happy things in my life, my mind wanders right back to the picture of my little embies.

From the moment I saw that picture, and held it, I fell in love.  Maybe that sounds stupid, but it’s real.  I fell in love with those tiny embryos, that little part of me, half of me.  And it crushes me that they didn’t become anything.  I don’t feel like I’ve ever been so heartbroken.

So for my birthday, I took the day off work.  I’m going to the day spa with my mom, and I’m getting an 80 minute massage.  We’re going to dinner and to a comedy club at night.  And on Saturday, I convinced Eric to take me to Disneyland.  So I’m heading to the Happiest Place on Earth, and hoping some of the “happy” wears off on me.

And may this year, the year that I turn 30, be MY year!