I was definitely nervous. I’ve never been to therapy before, so I didn’t really know what to expect. I really like my therapist, G. She was very nice, very thorough, and made me feel very comfortable. We talked about infertility and my lost pregnancies. I cried, just like I knew I would. I’m not sure if this sounds weird or not, but something about crying in front a stranger was very relieving and I felt very refreshed afterwards.
She said it sounds like I’m going through the grieving process still, which I agreed. So we talked a little bit about stages of grief and grief recovery. I’m already on the right path, so that’s good. I’m trying to focus on areas of my life that I have control over. It’s nice to know I’m heading down the right path.
We talked about how I’m coming to a big realization that my life is not turning out how I had planned or expected, and it’s very hard for me to deal with. One major thing for me, is that since I don’t know what the future holds, and I may never be a mother, I don’t want to be the 60, 70 year old woman, still bitter angry that her life didn’t turn out how she wanted.
We also talked about how infertility and other people’s pregnancies have a negative impact on me and I’m letting it all consume my life. That consumption, which has led to many depressive behaviors, is not healthy at all. She explained that our behaviors are triggered by our feelings, and our feelings are triggered by our thoughts. So my homework for the next 3 weeks until I see her again, is to try to redirect my negative/bitter/angry thoughts before my feelings are affected, thus changing my behavior. It definitely made a lot of sense.
She did explain that my feelings and thoughts are justifiable and it’s ok to experience them, but it’s not ok to let them consume me. So keep those things in a jar, and open that jar every once in awhile, but I have to learn how to close that jar and keep it closed a little more often.
Sometimes it feels like all I do is open that nasty jar and swim around in it for days and days. No wonder I’m miserable. And then all those feelings begin to affect every other aspect of my life.
I felt very good when I left her office. And I’m working on the things we talked about. I think it was a very wise decision to go seek therapy.
On another note, I’ve been wanting to share this for awhile and keep forgetting….
My friend, Tiff, my SAIF e-friend that became my IRL friend gave me a gift a few weeks ago. It was VERY sweet and heartfelt, and made me a little teary.
there’s a lot of depth to the gift. One- its a panda. The entire Panda phenomenon is a long story, but pandas are freaking awesome! And they are extremely lucky, and they are awesome good-luck charms! It’s also a baby toy. So her thought behind the gift was that it would be a toy for my future unconceived child, and also a good luck charm. It came with this note-
Normally it bugs me when me people tell me it WILL happen. I’m not sure it will happen, how can anyone else KNOW that it will? However, this gift and note came from a different place entirely. This girl has been one of the biggest blessings in my infertility journey. She is one of the silver linings in this huge gray infertility cloud. Had I never gone down this long, treacherous, winding road, I would have never met her. So that’s the blessing. That’s something I can thank infertility for. We have talked countlessly about infertility, emotional rollercoasters, bitterness, anger, and we’ve even shed some tears together. So this gift, this little good luck Panda, sits on my nightstand. I see it every morning when I wake up. It reminds me to keep the faith, believe, know that I’m not alone, and that I deserve the dream I dream.
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