Yet another reason infertility sucks

The list is long enough on its own.

A lot has happened since my last post.  Well, maybe not that much, but we moved and we’re renting a townhouse.  And we got a new little dog.  She’s so cute!  Her name is Oreo, and she’s 2. She’s a Beagle mix.

In other news this is National Infertility Awareness Week.  At an attempt to raise awareness and break the silence, I posted something on FB.  It said “April 22-28 is National Infertility Awareness Week.  Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering, finance-draining experience that affects 1 in 8 couples.  Give a hug to someone you know who is suffering the heartbreak of infertility.”

If that doesn’t let the world know I’m struggling, I don’t know what will.

Specifically that post says that infertility is finance-draining, which is the purpose of this post.

So exactly how finance-draining is it?  Well let’s recognize that 6 months ago we failed at IVF after spending ~$12,000.  Of course we got pg spontaneously 2 months later, which ended in an ectopic pregnancy and emergency surgery.

So what is the cost of an ectopic pregnancy?  A pregnancy that is life endangering, filled will far too much hope, most likely pain, fear and agony, and in the end you come home with empty arms? A pregnancy that leaves your uterus scraped, your heart broken and you still empty.

The total financial cost of this extremely unlucky pregnancy including all blood work, all ultrasounds, all office visits and the emergency surgery is $6,177.  That is our cost after insurance has paid.  Effing ridiculous and seriously unfair.

I am lucky that I have an FSA plan through work.  However, I budgeted $4,000 for our FET, and now all of that plus another 2 grand will go to this “accident”.

I have no idea when we can afford to do our FET now.  On top of the ectopic cost, we also owe $3,000 in taxes.

I’m feeling rather defeated.  As if infertility and endometriosis didn’t drain me enough emotionally, now it’s draining my bank account as well.

Yet another reason infertility sucks.

Recovery

I wish the emotional recovery was as easy as the physical recovery. Physically I’m much better. Still a little sore at the incisions, occasional cramping, and frequent gas pain that won’t quit.

The gas used during the lap has found itself trapped under my right rib cage. I feel it with every breath. Ugh! Yesterday I found that if I laid on my side, with my knees all the way into my chest, it helped ease it. Last night I rolled into my stomach while sleeping. I woke up paranoid that I would be hurting, but actually I think it helped the gas pain.

I’m still taking 800mg ibuprofen, and if I’m really uncomfortable, I’ll take the Percocet too. I haven’t needed the Percocet for 2 days now.

Tomorrow I’ll return to work. I think I’m ready and I know I’ll have an easy patient load, at least people that don’t require all my assistance to get out of bed, so I think physically I’ll do fine.

I am struggling with a really annoying rash all across my stomach. I was worried that I was allergic to the medications I was on. I thought it was probably from the surgical prep because it was only on my stomach, but I wanted to make sure. I called the Dr. Turns out its from the surgical prep, called Chloraprep. Apparently it’s the best defense against all infections, but 90% of the time leaves the patient with a nasty itchy rash. It is seriously awful! It itches so incredibly bad!!! It’s one of those itches where when you scratch it, it only intensifies the itch and you feel like you could scratch your skin off and it still itches! I’m not exaggerating! It starts way up at my breast line and goes the entire length of my stomach, right past both hip bones. It’s red, blotchy, tiny bumps and the itchiest feeling ever! I’ve tried hydrocortisone cream, which the Dr recommended. It just makes it worse. I hope it goes away soon, because I’m beyond uncomfortable.

Emotionally I’m struggling. I told myself when I first got pregnant this time, that if it didn’t work out, it was ok because we still have our frosties. We still have a great back up plan. As each week went on and we were filled with hope as my betas rose and ectopic symptoms stayed at bay, I grew more and more convinced that we actually got it right this time. I feel like a fool for letting myself get convinced. Do I want this do bad that I’ve lost sight of the reality that we’re just not that lucky?

How did my pregnancy progress so far without any pain? It scares me that it was in my tube and had it ruptured, I could have been in serious danger. My body failed at reproduction once again and required emergency intervention. It just doesn’t seem possible or fair that I just can’t get this right.

Now with a new endo diagnosis and only one tube, our chances of success on our own dwindle.

We have decided that emotionally and financially we need to move on. We will do our FET and that will be the end of the road. As much as being a mother is all I really want, I need to be realistic about our life too. We have been extremely unlucky in the past 5 years. And I would say requiring emergency surgery shows that our luck has taken the wrong turn. So either our FET will lead us to be parents, or it won’t.

I can’t say it will be easy to walk away, but I also feel like I can’t live my life like this anymore.

I’m trying to focus on one day at a time.

I wish the emotional aspect of this whole thing was just a little easier.

Laparoscopic surgery

I went in Sunday, February 12 for a blood draw to check my hcg level after the MTX. My Dr called me Monday to tell me my hcg increased. Ugh! She wasn’t too concerned as I guess it’s common for an increase right after. She said the true test would be the blood draw at 7 days after the injection.

I went in yesterday, February 15 for the blood draw at 7 am. I was scheduled for an appt with my Dr at 9. So to kill 2 hours I treated myself out to breakfast at Mimi’s Cafe. I had a delicious Eggs Benedict with red potatoes and coffee. I enjoyed my breakfast and read a book. A quiet enjoyable morning.

I went at 9 for an ultrasound. The u/s tech didn’t say much, but I was worried about the mass on my left ovary. I asked what she saw and she said the Dr would talk to me. That was the guest time in 4 u/s she didn’t tell me anything. I peaked at the screen as she was typing her report. I could tell by the measurements, the mass had grown. Ugh!

I went to the waiting room and held the tears as the room filled with swollen pregnant bellies. Will that ever be me? Will I ever feel that joy? Am I destined to be barren for my life? Congratulations and pregnancy talk were overwhelming. This beautiful, natural thing was right in front of me, why can’t I just “catch” it?

They called me back. My Dr walked in and hugged me right away. Asked if I was having pain. Nope, nothing! The u/s showed the mass had grown but less fluid around the uterus. But, the methotrexate wasn’t working. Ugh! So I can have another dose right? Nope. She said with my hcg being so high, around 5000, and it not decreasing, I really risk rupture, especially since they can’t see on the u/s exactly where the pregnancy is. It’s possible it’s on the left and that’s the mass they see, but maybe not. It could just be a blood clot. She said she recommends diagnostic laparoscopic surgery with a d&c. Whoa!!! Cue the tears… I have to have surgery? She responds, “yes, it needs to be this afternoon.” WTF! More tears…. She hugs me and says how sorry she is. She says she knows this is hard and scary but needs to be done.

I called Eric at work and told him what was going on. Of course he was shocked, (we both thought I was having a simple blood draw and u/s), but he quickly arranged to leave work.

I called work and told my boss what was going on. Then I called my mom and sister. The first time since we’ve moved here that I really felt the distance. I know they wanted nothing more than to come stay with me but couldn’t.

They scheduled the surgery for 2pm. No time whatsoever to wrap my head around the fact that I was about to have surgery. What just happened to my day?

I went home to change clothes, get my contacts out, pack a small bag and Eric and I headed back to the hospital to check in. I got strapped up with my hospital bracelets and went to the admitting room. Got in my sexy gown and they started the IV. The surgeon, a partner in the practice, came in and talked with us for about an hour before the surgery. We discussed my ectopics and how every time I had pain on the left. I explained all our fertility treatments and all the testing I’d had done. She said no matter where the pregnancy was, she would check my left tube and if it is damaged or scarred she would recommend removing it. I agreed! The tube is obviously not doing its job and has caused more trouble than it’s worth! Basically she would explore and see where the pregnancy was, remove it, check the tube quality, and do a d&c. Ok sounds good.

I kissed Eric good bye and they wheeled me to the OR. I switched over to the new table and felt all drunk all of a sudden. I thought it was psychological until the anesthesiologist told me he gave me something to sedate me. Oh that explains it. And I was out.

I woke up yelling in pain. (how embarrassing) They quickly gave me pain meds through the IV. I was so uncomfortable and in pretty extreme pain, I was wriggling all over the bed. I remember as soon as I realized what was going on, I was asking what my all my vitals were. Hahaha! Always a worrier. They assured me I was fine and my vitals were good. Eric and the surgeon walked up together. She told us everything went well. The pregnancy was in fact in my left tube. How did I not have pain??? So she removed the pregnancy and the tube. The right tube looked good, so it’s still in place. She did the d&c, and she discovered I have endometriosis! What?? I asked how severe, and she said moderate. Really?? Well that explains the tube blockage and why fertility has been an issue! I was so surprised, but it is nice to have an answer.

Peace out stupid left tube!

So I’ve been laying in bed, sleeping when I’m comfortable enough to sleep, drinking ginger ale and broth, and eating crackers. I was so painful yesterday, which has eased a bit today but I’m still moving really slow and carefully. I can feel all the soreness and the abdominal gas is still an issue, especially by my right shoulder blade and under my rib cage.

But I am well, and I’m off work at least a week.

Hopefully the crappy tube and the endo removal leads to a successful pregnancy this year.

I feel like crap

Man oh man, not to be a whiner, but this methotrexate is yucky! I still don’t feel great!

Yesterday we helped my sister in law move. Other than being really fatigued, I felt ok, but I have this ongoing nausea that won’t quit!

And while my appetite is normal, I get really nausea right after I eat, every single time. That by itself makes me feel like shiz!

A girl at work had her bachelorette party last night. I went even though I wanted to hide in my bed. I need friends and I knew I needed to get out. We started with dinner and sure enough, nauseas the rest of the night. And I can’t drink for 2 weeks, so it was a pretty mellow bach party.

They did the first hcg draw this morning following the MTX, and the next is on Wednesday. I hope one dose works!

Now please can I feel better?

Methotrexate sucks

Ugh! The last time I took MTX was 2 years ago. I don’t remember any side effects.

This time was awful! I was planning on going to work after it, but thankfully I listened to the Dr and took the day off.

I had every damn side effect listed! Dizziness, drowsiness, headache, body aches, fatigue, and nausea.

I was still a little dizzy, drowsy and nauseas today. Thankfully it’s gone now.

They check my hcg on Sunday to make sure it’s going down. As much as I hate the idea of my hcg dropping, I hope it does and I don’t need another dose.

Methotrexate done

What a stupid morning. I showed up at the hospital to get my injection this morning. I was to arrive at 6am, have my beta drawn, then get the shot at 6:30.

I had to go to admitting and they literally acted like I was being admitted to the hospital. They asked my religious preference, if I wanted to be placed in the hospital directory, and if I had a living will. Ummm I’m here for one blood draw and a shot!! AYFKM?!

Anyway they draw the beta at 6:30. And I had to wait an hour for the results. At this point I was dead tired. I didn’t sleep at all last night, plus my eyes are so tired of crying. At 7:30 they called the OB with the results, only rose 16%. So it’s at about 4411. OB gave the ok to give the injection. She told the nurse to tell me it rose 16% and that I would know what that meant because I was highly intelligent. Wow thanks Dr!! That was flattering!!

So then they had to make the solution. Geez!!! I had now been there in a hospital room for over 2 hours for a freaking IM shot that I could have given myself!!

Turns out it was 2 injections and required 2 RNs, and they cruelly injected me at the same time on each side. Really? Can’t do one at a time?

Anyway it seemed so ridiculous to wait there like I was staying overnight for a stupid IM injection.

Of course I’m just pissed that I needed it in the first place.

And since the medication is hard on your liver, I have to avoid alcohol. FML!

Now I’m home for the day and super nauseas from the medication. Blah

Update on me

Sometimes life just craps on you. And sometimes you get surprises that take your breath away.

January 1, 2012 I got my first + OPK since our IVF failed. I was thrilled to be back on track and things functioning correctly.

January 14 I saw this

WTF! Holy Crap!!

I kept testing, making sure the line got darker.

It did.

I called the local RE to get a beta. They made me get an order from my California RE since I wasn’t an established patient.

Order done.

Betas drawn.

January 20 (18dpo) = 48

P4= 6.4 start progesterone suppositories

January 23 (21dpo) = 118
P4=up to 15.5

January 25 (23dpo) = 243

January 30 ultrasound shows empty uterus

January 31 (28dpo) (6wk0d) beta= 1078

February 3 at local OB, beta = 2080 Ultrasound shows empty uterus and mass on left ovary

February 5 (6wk5d) beta 3069

February 6 ultrasound shows growth of mass on left ovary and “possible” gestational sac measuring 4wk3d

February 7 beta = 3803 (doubling time has gone from 48 hours to 155 hours, increasing only 22% in 2 days)

The OB called me this morning to come on for a stat ultrasound. There is fluid in my uterus, possible remnants of a gestational sac, no ectopic seen for sure, but no definite intrauterine pregnancy either.

Since they can’t rule out ectopic and I have a history, they wanted to treat it as an ectopic. Since the first day I’ve had no pain, no bleeding, no ectopic symptoms. Which is unusual for me and this is the farthest I’ve ever gotten.

Of course I’m terrified it may ectopic and no matter what it isn’t viable, I decided to take the methotrexate injection to stop the pregnancy from progressing. I am terrified of a possible rupture and needing emergency surgery, and I know I made the right decision.

I was very leery to announce it to many people because if it really was going to be my take-home baby, I would be due the day of my sister’s wedding. I wanted to make sure I knew exactly what was going on before telling my family.

So that’s the story. That’s where I’ve been hiding the last month.

It was a big surprise and I really thought our luck had turned around. It really sucks and I wish it didn’t hurt as bad as it does.