Happy ICLW

Here we are at another month of ICLW!  Thank you for visiting my blog. 

After TTC on our own, unsuccessfully, for 35 cycles, we finally moved on to IUI #1.  We found out on October 26, that it worked!  We were thrilled to be finally expecting our little baby.  On Tuesday, November 17, the pregnancy was confirmed to be ectopic.  My beta on Nov 17 was very low at 200, and no heartbeat was found at 7w1d.  I was having a significant amount of pain and bleeding that day.  Since the beta was so low, they treated me with methotrexate.  The RE said I was not as risk of the tube rupturing, and the bleeding was coming from irritation in my tube.  They checked my hemoglobin to make sure it wasn’t low, and after 2 blood tests, it was confirmed that I was stable.  I went back to the RE on Friday, November 20, to have the beta repeated.  It had dropped to 52, so the Methotrexate is doing its job.  I go back again on Tuesday, November 24, for another recheck.  I’m sure I won’t need another injection.

It seems like I knew all along something wasn’t right.  However I hoped so badly that I was wrong.  I can’t believe that after all this time, and all the tears that have been shed already, that there are still more tears coming.  I am so heartbroken to have lost my pregnancy.  Knowing that it was just really bad luck that led to the ectopic pregnancy soothes my pain a little, but not alot.  There have been so many moments that I have questioned whether I will ever be a mother.  That question seemed to get answered, and my heart was skipping, knowing that I was wrong to ever doubt it.  I just feel so far away from being a mother, and I am terrified that it will never happen.  I know things just weren’t right this time.  I know that at the end of this, I will be a better person, and I’m sure we’ll have a better marriage.  I just wish this journey was a little less bumpy.   

I saw a quote on a friend’s blog recently.  It said

“In the end, everything will be okay.  If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”

My Update

Today was horrible! 

I’ll back up and give a full update.  2 days after my supposed miscarriage, the RE wanted me to come in for a beta to make sure it was going down.  Rather than decreasing, it had risen, almost doubled in 2 days.  I was beyond shocked!  They made me wait 2 weeks for an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday, Nov. 19.  The last 2 weeks have complete hell!  I have been spotting for the last 2 weeks, no real cramping, but the spotting has been driving me crazy.  I apologize for being secretive about this, but I really wanted to know what was going on before sharing everything.  Please forgive me  

Today, 2 days before my scheduled ultrasound,  I started bleeding, red blood, not a lot, but there.  This was accompanied by significant stabbing cramping on my left side and right at my cervix.  I called the RE, they got me in immediately.  I was just waiting for him to tell me that he saw a heartbeat, instead I could tell he was searching in my uterus.  Then he said, “there is nothing in your uterus.”  I looked over at Eric and tried my hardest to hold back the tears.  They sent me for a beta, which was 200.  All signs led to ectopic pregnancy.  He said I had fluid in my abdomen, so they also checked my hemoglobin to make sure I wasn’t losing a significant amount of blood.  It appeared that ectopic pregnancy had not ruptured, so they treated me with methotrexate.  They sent me for another hemoglbin check to make sure that I wasn’t losing more blood.  My blood count is fine, so the methotrexate should be all that’s needed. 

He basically told us that we just had really bad luck.  I am really low risk for ectopic since I have no scarring.  This means that the embryo was just late with the implantation.  On top of that, the damn thing made its way all the way from the my right tube and implanted in my left tube.  Completely rare, unlucky, and not fair.  I’m not pregnant anymore.  And I’m so sad that this is happening.  What a few past couple weeks we’ve had.  This sucks! 

I go back on Friday to make sure the HCG is going down.  We have to hold off one month, then we’re moving on to IUI #2.

 

5 days til the Ultrasound

I hate this!  I hate the waiting!  I just really want to see a heartbeat.  I am terrified that something is wrong.  Since 12 days ago when I thought I miscarried, I have been spotting.  It really hasn’t stopped.  Last night I thought it was gone, but it came back again this morning.  Last night when it stopped, I got this crazy deep cramping.  It felt like my cervix was being stabbed.  This morning that pain was gone, but the sp0tting is back. The spotting is not accompanied by cramping, so that’s good, but I wish it would go away already.  It seemed to have more of a reddish/brown color rather than just brown.  I got worried and took an FRER.  It still looks beautiful.  5 days to go!  Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock.Tick.Tock

Sorry its blurry, I took it with my phone

Talk about a shocker!

On Wednesday, November 4, my RE’s office returned my call.  They said Dr. Fong wants to repeat your beta while you are bleeding (my period started Monday, November 2) to make sure it returns to 0.  They wanted to make sure it was at zero with bleeding, and if it was, we could begin our next IUI cycle immediately.  So I left work at lunch, went for the blood draw, and got a message a couple hours later.  I saw that they had called and left a message, but I didn’t really care what the beta was because Eric and I had decided to take a one month break anyway.  I let the message sit on my phone for like an hour before listening to it. 

When I listened to it, this is what it said “Your beta today was 72.5.  Your numbers are continuing to rise, even though you are experiencing bleeding.  Based on your last menstrual period, a heartbeat should be able to be detected in the week of the 16th.  We are scheduling you for an OB ultrasound on Thursday, November 19, to see what is going on in the uterus.” 

UMMMMMM WTF???!!!!  My last beta did almost nothing in 5 days and now this one almost doubles in 2 days???  I was soooo confused!  I called the RE’s office back immediately, and asked if they mixed up my blood with someone else! Obviously they didn’t.  She said sometimes the betas don’t do what they are supposed to, but then the patient comes in for an ultrasound and there is a heartbeat and perfectly healthy pregnancy.  I said, “OK I can understand that, but my beta did nothing AND  I started bleeding (thought it was just my period).  She said they never say that bleeding during pregnancy is normal, but it does happen.  She basically told me I just have to wait it out until the ultrasound. 

I am low risk for ectopic but that is a concern.  Low betas and slow rising betas are indicative of an ectopic pregnancy (I REALLY hope that’s not what it is).  The other option is that there may have been twins and one didn’t make it, which would explain the bleeding and the beta (I hope that’s the answer).  They did not want to repeat the beta, because the RE knows it has continued to rise.  She said there’s really nothing to do but wait until the Ultrasound to see what’s going on. 

I am still completely shocked!!!!  Literally I thought I miscarried!  My beta was bad, my period started, what else was I supposed to think? Now they’re telling me my numbers are progresssing are well and I’m still pregnant!  Holy Crap!!! How in the world did this happen?? I can’t believe what an emotional rollercoaster I’ve been on this week! 

Eric is very concerned about me.  The poor guy has been so incredibly awesome!!!  He saw me elated with my two pink lines, then crushed into the ground 5 days later, thinking I miscarried.  He is very concerned with my mental health and all of the emotions that are associated with this rollercoaster.  We had a huge discussion about everything, and we came to the conclusion that we will not test anymore, and we will just wait til the ultrasound.  He really really really wanted me to not update my blog with all of this until after November 19.  This blog is here for me to vent my feelings, and of course there are readers out there too.  I have decided to not make this post public until after the ultrasound.  I feel way too vulnerable right now and I don’t think its quite fair to take all of my readers on my emotional rollercoaster with me.  You all have your own up and down feelings you are dealing with.  Please understand, and know that I am so thankful, from the bottom of my heart, for all the great thoughts and prayers you have passed to me.  This blog has been a life-saver! So again, thank you!!

I’ll be seeing the RE again

this coming Thursday.  We’ll see what they say.

I’m here

We’re taking things day by day, and hour by hour.  Thanks to everyone for all your wonderful support, thoughts and prayers!  I appreciate them from the bottom of my heart!

45

Beta #3 this morning was only 45.  It should have been at least in the 150’s.  I was spotting this morning, which I know can be normal.  The spotting became much worse as the day went on.  The nurse left me a message saying it was 45 and that the pregnancy was not continuing.  I have to go back probably next week to make sure the level goes back down to 0.  Thank God I have wonderful co-workers who cancelled my patients for the afternoon.  Eric came and picked me up and we came home and cried and slept all afternoon.  I feel like I’m all cried out, but I’m sure some more tears will come back later.  I can’t believe its over.  I’m so heartbroken.  Thank you for all the well wishes.  Hopefully a long lasting pregnancy is right around the corner.

Beta #2

is 37!!!!!!  It doubled from 19 to 37 in 44 hours!! I go back on Monday for Beta #3.  In the nurse’s words who left me the great message, they “want to make sure that things continue to progress appropriately.”  Yippee!!!! I could hardly maintain my composure as I listened to the message.  I immediately called Eric and as soon as he answered the phone, I started saying over and over again “It doubled! It doubled! It doubled!”  What a great birthday present!  Now I have to remain sane until Monday when I hear the next count.  Until then, I am pregnant. 

2 lines in 09!!! I got ‘em!

Today

Today I am pregnant.  Today I celebrated with my husband that we actually got ourselves pregnant.  No matter what happens tomorrow, today I am pregnant.  Today I have met a goal I have been reaching for for many years.  I have no reason to believe that my beta won’t double tomorrow.  And if it doesn’t I will be sad.  However, the first IUI worked, and today we celebrated that!!!  For many many months now I have been afraid that I would never say these words.  And here it is right in front of me.  I’m pregnant.

I’m still nervous about tomorrow.  I’m hoping we just had a late implanter, and that’s why the beta was low.  I POAS this morning and I have the newest pic.  Its a little bit darker when compared to the one 24 hours ago.  So we’ll know tomorrow.  Fingers crossed for doubling numbers!!!! 

 

Beta #1

is 19 at 14 dpIUI.  I did the beta this afternoon and got the call a couple hours later.  I go back on Wednesday for Beta #2.  They said it was on the low end of where they like to see it, so we’re praying it doubles on Wednesday!  I wish it were higher today, it would definitely ease my mind some.  But I’ve heard of low betas resulting in healthy pregnancies and babies, so I’m hoping I’m one of them!  Please keep the good thoughts coming!!!!!!!

By the way, Wednesday is my birthday!  I hope I get a great birthday present on Wednesday!

I’ll leave you with this pic!  The strip on the top is my test from yesterday, the one on the bottom is a test from today.  It  definitely looks darker….