Getting the ball rolling!

I contacted my local RE, the one my California RE recommended.  Well, one of the ones he recommended.  They do outside monitoring, and it appears to be pretty close to what my wonderful Cali RE was charging, so that’s good news!

They don’t even need to see me ahead of time.  When I’m ready to go my Cali Dr just faxes them orders then we’re set to go!

The plan is to start BCP in about 5 weeks, then I’ll start Lupron.  Approximate FET will be beginning to mid April.

Now that I spoke with everyone and got it all figured out, I’m so excited!   And I want to just get to it already!

This is my year!

My life in 2011

2011 was the hardest year of my life. Not only were my emotions and my body challenged, but my faith and my relationships were tested. I made it to the other side and flipped 2011 the bird on my way out! As much as I was angry beyond belief, I know I am stronger and I can pull through. And I learned a bit about myself and my future in the meantime.

Here’s the 2011 recap

January-met the bravest, strongest little boy I have ever met. Baby Mason

February-purchased my favorite gadget, the ipad.

March-celebrate my husband’s 40th birthday with a kick ass surprise party!

April-
my best friend gets extremely sick.

My dog (my baby) is diagnosed with cancer.

May-
we celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary.

My sister graduated college.

June- we decide to move to Kansas City, MO.

July- my dad is hospitalized with “pneumonia”. My mom, brother, and sister become deathly afraid that he won’t get better.

August- my dog loses her battle with cancer.

We find out my dad was misdiagnosed with pneumonia. We fear for his life as he undergoes lung biopsy and ends up on a ventilator.

September- my dad loses his fight with severe pulmonary inflammatory disease.

We continue our IVF treatment.

October- We undergo IVF, and fail.

November-we pack up our lives and all our belongings and move 1500 miles away from what we’ve always known as “home”.

December- My sister books her wedding date for next year.

We realize we need to reevaluate our future and decide our next steps after FET.

There were some good things mixed in there, but unfortunately the gravity of the bad things were more than I’ve ever faced in my life. What a sick sick joke to lose my dog and exactly one month later go through the agony of losing my dad.

The holidays were hard. It’s so hard going on with life without my dad. Knowing that no new memories will ever be made with him. My dad won’t see my sister get married. He won’t see my nephew grow up and graduate high school or attend his games. He won’t ever meet my [future] children. There are so many memories we wanted to make with him.

If there’s one thing I learned this year, it’s that your life can take a sharp turn within a matter of seconds. So we will pick the pieces and move on with the memories we already hold and share them for comfort.

May 2012 be full of life, happiness, healthiness, and dreams come true for all of you!!! xoxo

Adjusting to new life

Once Thanksgiving was over, life and reality set back in. We both started work on Monday the 28th. We stopped at Starbucks for a little “first day” treat. Yum!

I got to work around 7, my normal starting time. I was warmly welcomed! It was so nice! I soon found out that I get my own desk (score!) and they put a “Welcome” sign on it! So cute! The place I’m at is much larger and much nicer than my last facility. It’s funny because everyone there thought that the California facilities would be nicer. Ha!

My first week went very well! Very welcoming, very friendly, very sweet coworkers. Eric’s first week was about the same as mine.

It was good to get back into a normal routine. It’s funny though because after work, I have no chores really to do. We live in a one bedroom “apartment” so my to-do list is rather short. I started going to the gym again. I picked up my running schedule again, and I’ve been happy doing so. I’m hoping to get back to where I left off soon.

In the last week, we’ve watched the first season of Dexter. Wowsers! We’re addicted!!

Life is a bit different now. The heartaches of IVF feels like its behind me. I’m focusing on losing weight for the upcoming FET, getting healthier, and trying to get back to a better state, emotionally.

The reality of my dad being gone has really hit me hard lately. I find myself thinking of him and missing him very often. I’m sure that’s not going away anytime soon.

I’m hoping since I have more free time, that I’ll get back into reading. Since my dad was hospitalized in July, I really haven’t picked up a book.

Most of my goals for the year (like reading 30 books) were pushed to the back back back burner when he was hospitalized and after his death, and with our move, everything has been in kind of disarray.

I’m sure very soon, everything will fall back into place, as we continue to find our way here.

Quotes on Infertility

Lately a lot of people have stumbled onto my blog after searching for “infertility quotes.”
I thought I would do my Infertility advocate duty and list some here. All of these are from Pinterest

Amen to the next one!

These next few really speak to me.  I’ve been silent about our IF struggle for so long.  So when I read that “lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter” …..it made me cry.

The last 2 are SO true.

All moved in

We made it! People say moving is stressful. People are right.

We were very fortunate to get our move paid for by Eric’s company. They paid for movers, who also pack for you! Score! We were amazed with the great job they did! They arrived on Thursday morning at 8am. 3 men.
They did a quick walk-through and got to work. They laid down carpet and cardboard on all the floor and run-ways and padded the corners on walls.

And then they started packing. They packed up everything! Every dish, glass, utensil, shoe etc.
The living room

The kitchen

The dining room

By Friday late morning, these 3 men had our entire house packed and loaded onto the truck.

On Friday afternoon, Eric and I had all our personal items loaded into our car and we took our final picture in front of our house.

It was so hard for us to leave. We got engaged in front of that house. And as much as we knew we were making the right decision, it was still emotional.

We left and went to my mom’s house. We had dinner with our closest friends and family that night and had lots of hugs and tears.

We knew moving would be hard on us and that we’d miss all our friends. We really weren’t prepared for how hard it would be on our friends.

It was hard and we cried many times in those last few days.

On Saturday the 19th we hit the road for the start of our 3 day road trip.

We missed the Oklahoma signs

We arrived Monday afternoon at the same time our movers arrived. Perfect!

They loaded most our things into storage and the remainder went into my IL’s basement, which will be our “home” until we find a house. We are waiting until Spring to move.

So far things have been good. Eric and I transferred with our jobs, so we both start on Monday.

Things are very different, but hopefully this change will be bring great things our way!

The days are ticking by

We had our annual family Christmas party today.  I love my family!  My mom wanted to have the party early so we could be there for it.  It was so fun!  Pretty much the whole family was there.  Normally the party was at my parent’s house, but this year it was at my aunt and uncle’s house.  We do a white elephant gift exchange.  My dad was always the one in charge of the gift exchange.  So things were a bit different this year.  I definitely missed my dad today.  It sucked that he wasn’t there for the party, and he got “replaced” in his beloved gift exchange.  But my cousin stepped in a did a great job.

My aunt wanted to do a toast before we ate.  So we got our glasses full and she started the toast.  My sister just got engaged, so there was a congratulations for that.  Then she mentioned that a sad event would be happening, us moving.  Ugh!  She was crying and saying how much she was going to miss us.  Tears!

The party was fun, but man, was it emotional.  We were all talking about planning my sister’s wedding.  All of us are sad that my dad won’t be there for it.  We all miss him so much.  My brother, who is very reserved with his emotions, told me that he was having a hard time with us moving away.  Tears!  The first party without my dad + us moving + planning a wedding= tears.  Happy and sad ones.

So we move in about 12 days.  The days are just flying by.  The idea of how far away we’re moving is finally sinking in, and freaking us out.  Even though I’m excited for our adventure and ready for a change, it’s still a very emotional event.

I’m sure the tears aren’t over.

 

Chaos

We’re moving in 17 days.  We are leaving the house and staying with my mom in 15 days.  Holy Crap!  When did that creep up on us so quickly!?! Luckily, we found out that our moving company PACKS us too!  Score!  Seriously!

So in the meantime, our days are packed to the hilt!  After work, we are going over everything we need to get done prior to moving.  Eye exams, get our contacts refilled, get our dog to the vet and up to date on vaccines, oil changed and tires rotated, have a yard sale, get everything together for the yard sale and price it all out, throw out everything else we don’t need, get a gps for our other car, book hotel rooms for the drive, all my professional licensing changed over to the new state, have a family Christmas party, have a family Thanksgiving, our going away party, packing the essentials that are coming with us, book a storage unit, and probably 20 other things I can’t even remember right now.  Sigh…

Thankfully my focus is shifting a bit to the move and kinda sorta off the big fat fail we just had.  I say “kinda sorta” because I never really forget it.  It’s always there.  I’ve had a couple mini breakdowns in the past few days.  The big one was on my birthday.  It was awful.  We were at a bar.  I was drinking, which never leads to good things, especially when you’re sad.  My sister and I chose our favorite songs from the juke box.  We were singing along and she told me she was so sad I was moving and she was really going to miss me!  Ugh!  Instant tears!  Both of us crying.  And that was the beginning of many tears we shared for the next half hour or so.  The truth is, I’m excited for our adventure to Missouri.  I think it’s a very wise move for us financially. I know it’s a big change for us, and I’m also looking forward to new things.  However, it hurts like hell to leave my mom and sister.  I know they are only a  five hour flight away, but the impromptu visits will end, and that makes it hard.

It hurts to leave my friends.  All my friends are here.  I’m scared about making new friends.  Everything is so unknown, it’s just hard.

We are so busy with everything, I barely have time to keep up with stuff.  So probably I won’t blog often until things are settled down.  It won’t be too much longer.

 

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I’m turning 30.  I wish I could say I was looking forward to my birthday.  I know there are a lot of infertile women or fertile women that don’t have children until well into their 30s.  While the age isn’t necessary the issue, the date, just brings a lot of realization that we’re still on this damn journey.

2 years ago, to the date, I found out I was pregnant for the first time.  For some reason my birthday always reminds me of that day.  It was hard on me to lose that pregnancy and find out it was ectopic.  Throughout our IVF journey, I knew that *when* it worked, we’d know for sure and have ultrasound confirmation by my birthday.  I was really looking forward to being pregnant on my birthday.

The fact is that we started trying when I was 25.  I literally thought that our family would be complete by the time I was 30.  Silly silly me.  The joke was on me, for sure.  Because 5 years later, we’re still exactly where we started, but I’m much more emotional, and kind of a wreck sometimes.  I go over in my head repeatedly, all the great things I have to look forward to, and how much fun I’ll have on my birthday.  All I really want is to be a mom.  And no amount of alcohol, fun nights, or parties, can replace that longing.  The emptiness I feel, especially after this failed cycle, is so deep.

I try my hardest not to let it consume me, but I’m really drowning.  I wear a smile all day, and go about life like I’m so strong.  Almost as soon as I’m alone, the tears are flowing.  I’m sleeping horribly.  I wake up everynight in the middle of the night, and lay there for hours.  Most of the time I cry.  I go to work looking like a wreck.  I look at all the blessings in my life and thank God for everything I have.  And almost everytime I think about the happy things in my life, my mind wanders right back to the picture of my little embies.

From the moment I saw that picture, and held it, I fell in love.  Maybe that sounds stupid, but it’s real.  I fell in love with those tiny embryos, that little part of me, half of me.  And it crushes me that they didn’t become anything.  I don’t feel like I’ve ever been so heartbroken.

So for my birthday, I took the day off work.  I’m going to the day spa with my mom, and I’m getting an 80 minute massage.  We’re going to dinner and to a comedy club at night.  And on Saturday, I convinced Eric to take me to Disneyland.  So I’m heading to the Happiest Place on Earth, and hoping some of the “happy” wears off on me.

And may this year, the year that I turn 30, be MY year!

 

About our move

In approximately 3 weeks we are making a huge change in our lives. Eric and I are moving from sunny and warm Southern California to Kansas City, Missouri.

Neither of us have ever lived farther than 30 miles from where we grew up, so this is a BIG change for us. While we are excited for what the future has in store for us, we are also nervous and kind of scared about it too. And that’s very natural.

The biggest reason for our move is financial. Both of our jobs transfer us there with the same pay, but fortunately there is a significantly lower cost of living. We have family there. Actually most of Eric’s family lives there now, they have migrated there over the past 15 years.

Things were much simpler before my dad passed away. It’s much harder to leave my mom now. Much harder. But at the end of the day, we know we this move is better for us and for our future.

So the next few weeks will be full of many, many gatherings with all our great friends here.

And then we’ll close the chapter on our lives as Californians.

Holy crap!

Mad at myself

My RE emailed me today with recommendations for fertility centers in Missouri. I was very thankful he did that! Definitely a weight lifted off my shoulders, knowing we can find someone easily, that my Dr recommends.

I had asked him if my weight could be a factor that would affect our success with this IVF cycle and our upcoming FET. He wrote that losing 20 pounds would improve our success.

I started crying as soon as I read that. I’m so mad at myself for not being healthier and thinner going into this. I feel like I could have done more to improve our odds and success.

So our cycle went “perfectly” yet failed, and I know I could have done more to increase our chances. It really breaks my heart even more, and now I feel like I have no one to blame but myself.